Under Construction

Hard 2 Say "Im Sorry"

2009-08-14T17:55:00.003-04:00

As I get to know myself,I realize ALOT of my flaws that I really want to work on for a better future

-Im difficult
-Spoiled
-Expect waaay too much of EVERYONE around me
-I demand the IMPOSSIBLE even if its just a thought in my mind *i know that sounds crazy*
-I expect my mate to read my mind instead of just TELLIN him whats wrong with me or whats NOT wrong
-I have a HARD time admitting when Im wrong AND apologizing for it

Maaan..the list goes on and on..lol

Its now becoming a struggle especially with the HUGE mess Mar and i created

I guess Im not living up to my part of the "healing process"..im really irritable,moody, and snappy
I get mad over the simplest thing..i am VERY sensitive to almost EVERYTHING he says

I have finally come to the conclusion that this HUGE mess we created has caused some kind of emotional imbalance within me
As hard as that is for me to admitt..so things we go through cause us to wind up in a place of depression.
In my case its not the "lye in bed and cry and mope all day" kind of depression its more of an angry depression and HE gets the blunt of it

I am QUICK to jump into "maybe we shouldnt be together" when I know deep down I dont mean it and I am still willing to put in the fight for us
Its not fair to him because as much as he doesnt question the way Im feeling *TO ME FOR THAT MATTER..HES VERY INTERNAL* I dont ask him as well
I thought we were on the path to fixing things..but when youve been together so long and have become accustom to being a certain way, its hard to jump into being another way to one another

I also found that Im a bit embarrassed to admit to him that i AM depressed and it IS causing alot the miscommunication thats been going on within these past weeks.

I tried to apologize for my bitchyness this morning..but i havent gotten a response..i think i really pissed him off with the things I said..shew he made me mad too but i didnt take true offense because i know he didnt mean it.
I really am sorry and i hope we can talk and get through this

I dont know guys..Im struggling here..its an everyday ongoing battle these days

I HATE sounding all mizzy on the net..im just going through some things...cant be happy ALL the time right??
gotta hit a rough patch at some point

Thatll do it for now...
Lata

The Grestest Part

2009-07-31T18:38:00.003-04:00

The greatest part of getting ahead is getting started.
Ive been gone for a loog while but Im back..brand new and reformed.

Life has come and b*tch slapped me so hard i had NO CHOICE but to TRULY get it together
I guess thats the way it goes eh??

My boyz are GREAT...funny as hell..growing faster than my eyes have time to catch up

Mar and I are actually better than ever...we recieved a MAJOR reality check and boy did it EVER chiggidy-check our arses
The best part is we are so close now its amazes me, we ACTUALLY know how to argue AND get over it THE SAME NIGHT *GASP*
Now that may sound crazy to some and believe me it wasnt the best feeling for me either but it is what it is and i KNEW i was being patient for SOMETHING...gosh..all the mess i put up with with this kid SOMETHIN HAD TO GIVE!!

I know for the most part Ive lost a few of my fellow bloggers..but if youre ANYTHING like me you check your roster and see whos doin what...even though with this ol Twitter thang whats the point of bloggin..hey occasional bloggin wont hurt..ay??

I have so much to be thankful for right now
I have been doing MAJOR soul searching..erasing certain people out of my life..letting go of others thoughts of me and the way i are,im ME love/like ALL of me or keeps it movin ya dig?? Living and learning from the mistakes Ive made..Just growing all togheter...realizing that i have been laying the veil over some deep rooted problems i have and the fact that they decided to rear their ugly heads and FORCED me to deal has made me appreciate my life and the fact that IM NOT PERFECT and there is still some work to be done.

Im revved and ready to go

y'all ready??

Heeeerrrree we go.....

Minor Update

2009-01-05T14:47:00.002-05:00

Heeeeey!!!
Oh my goodness...i feel sooo out of the loop right now.

But for those that are still rockin with me and checkin up on me, i have an update.

My comp is STILL in Ga so that explains the lack of posts...i still dont have constant access to a comp.

Other than that all is well...the boys and i are great K.D is doing well also.

We are currently moving into our place and getting thoings situated.

I sooo want to tell all because there is soo much to tell but i truly cant at the moment.

For all that have checked up on me and still show me love...THANK YOU and I will be around soon!!

***hugz n kisses LoveMuffins!!!***

Its Been A Looooong Time

2008-05-24T17:42:00.002-04:00

Weeeell......

What to say?

Where to start?

Im sooo gawn from GA and doing well so far.
Been staying with my bestest and oh so grateful for that.

My car is here in CT,after being immobile for almost 2 mths I kind of felt Id be that way for awhile.

The boys are great..Braylon is getting HUGE!! (pics as soon as I can guys)
Shamarr is 3 going on 14..too damn much for me y'all too damn much (pics of him soon as well)

Being home feels good..on a job hunt right about now.

We are getting a house!!!
Its sooo niiice...Im soo grateful for things going in the right direction.
I feel like GA had ya' girl stagnant, I just couldnt do it guys.

Buuut..Im home now visiting non-phony fam', probably attending a cookout tomorrow.
If anything Ill just go because Lil Mar enjoys the air, let him run about.

Truth be told..this is my first time sitting at a computer since my last entry..so Im not so sure when my next will be, Ill try to make it soon.

Thanx for All the Mothers Day shout outs!!!

I had a great Moms Day...K.D took me shopping for clothes and sneakers (got some FLY AZZ J's)..Im soo appreciative for that..Love ma' babes.

I hope all my Moms enjoyed their day and you guys enjoy your holiday.

Much love..Miss yall!!!!

Update and a Plug

2008-04-02T13:19:00.005-04:00

Hey guys!!

All is well...
Gearing up for this weekend and MONDAY!!!!

My son is soo excited for our grand appearance..he tells me daily how he misses me and "his" Braylon..lol.

I have a J.O.B waiting for ME!!!

Thanx to my AWESOME BFF...L!!!
LOVES HER!!!

She has TRULY shown me TRUE friendship and that she really DOES care for me.

Onto other things..

I HAVE to inform my people on this website by a fellow V-logger Jia.

She is a true gem for this one.

The website is www.projectnewera.com

It is about OUR community and the horrible things that our happening to US and OUR children.

PLEASE check it out..it it SOO worth it.
You will be informed and who knows..YOU just might have some info that can help one of OUR missing children/men/women.

I love y'all...once again check out the site and show some love.

Be Good

::smooches::

Ok Ok Ok

2008-03-28T13:22:00.004-04:00

Wonderin' Where the hell Ive been???

And What Ive been doin'??

Weeellllll.......

Im.....

Busy....

AS HELL......

PACKING!!!!!

As you all may know...
I am moving back home to Ct.
We (My brother and I) purchased our tickets and we are OUT OF HERE in 10 DAYS!!!

Soooo.....

You wont hear much from me being that it is HELLA hectic getting things in order to go to storage for a short period of time.

But.....

I wont be gone too long...I have been stalking and not commenting..havent been on the Comp. too much if it isnt looking up prices on movers and what have you.

I havent forgotten about you guys so PLEASE dont forget about your gurl :-)

I'll holla soon.

::smooches::

Transformed

2008-03-16T12:35:00.011-04:00

I feel like I have transformed into the "Me" that Ive been muffling for soo long.

I say this because..I used to go out often and smoke trees ALOT!!

Never the less my child was taken care of and it was ALWAYS a once a weekend thang.

But....

I feel like I have truly changed guys.
I used to go out because I was unsatisfied with my relationship.
It was around the time where Id SAY that he wasnt doing this or wasnt giving me that..and I felt like I couldnt talk to the man I loved/the man who claimed to love me.

Soo..

I thought getting REAL FLY and stepping out on the town was suffice.

No..

I went out last nite with my "New" self and felt soo out of place..the WHOLE time I just wanted to go home and hold Braylon y'all and call my oldest on the phone.
NO LIE!!

I just wanted my Chocolate Little Monster to smile and coo in my face and hear Shamarr send me kisses through the phone rather than the foo's that was up in there last nite. ::SMH::

I love ALL EVERYWHERE and I dont discriminate but WHY does it seem like my people from the South are stuck in a time warp??
I REALLY wanted to take the ladies shopping and GET THEM SOMETHING THAT COMPLIMENTED THEIR BODY SHAPE!!
And the fellaz??
You dont go out looking like you just got out of bed and said "Hey, I thank I wanna go to da' club"

Aaaanyhoooo...

I truly feel that "change" in me..I am actually content with my relationship and the fact that we ARE going to argue and not see eye to eye on EVERYTHING..but..hey..that makes for SPECTACULAR make up sex ::WINK::

Im happy y'all and there is NOTHING a club with a HOT MESS man or even a SEXXY ass one can do for me.

I am all about my family and proud of it.

MY FAMILY

Gawn Baby Gawn

2008-03-09T12:24:00.005-04:00

Well Ladies and Gentlemen,

I have an update for you.

K.D

After K.D and I had our MUCH NEEDED talk, we decided that financially, it would be best that he go back home and get up the money needed.

For what you ask??

I'M GOIN' HOOOOME IN ABOUT 4 WKS!!!

Besides that..we need to get a head start on saving for our place.

Im soo glad we talked things out because lemme tayle y'all homeboy was SOOO OUT THA DOOR!!!

I was MORE than serious.

It felt AWESOME to get EVERY feeling Ive been feeling for 5 YRS out in the open.
When I say he had NO WORDS when I aired it out...I KNEW he felt what I said and it had impacted him in a way that he SHUT THE HELL UP and finally talked to me later that evening.

It seems we are on track besides the fact that he WONT LET UP about "Seatfiller".
That droves me CRAZY!!
But I ignore him.

QUESTION???

Why do some men do that??
Bring up the past and just WONT let it die??
**I know some of me ladies do that as well..but Im not involved with a lady so Im askin' about men**

Moving on.......

He Took My Love With Him :-(

I am sooo sad right now you guys because to make it easier on our pockets when Braylon and I fly up next mth K.D too Shamarr with him :-(

I CRIIIED like a child who lost their puppy!!!

gI cant GO withouy my babies y'all!!!

That was the HARDEST thing to do.

BUT!!

It will get him closer to his Dad and respect him as a FATHER and NOT a playmate.

I will live.. I guess.

They left Sunday morning and believe you me Shamarr hasnt had a chance to miss me..I've called THAT much..lol.

Well guys..there is my lil' update.

Get at me with the comments

::SMOOCHES::

REAL QUICK!!!

My mom had her operation and she is doing well..just waiting on results now!!

LADIES!!

Have yourself checked for Pollaps!!

Keep your health IN CHECK!!

Ego

2008-03-02T18:41:00.004-05:00

I have a SEVERE headache y'all.

JUST when I think I am making progress in my relationship..the ugly truth rears its HIDEOUS head.
It is THEE most frustrating,heart wrenching, painful, honesty Ive come to know plenty times before.

K.D.

I guess I was a bit too gleeful and unfocused on the inevitable

Which is....

He and I will ore than likely fall apart.

I have tried and tried with this man y'all and the last thing I want to make myself seem is an Angel..that..I am NOT.
I too have my faults.
And I ALSO tell the damn TRUTH when I KNOW Ive messed up even when it KILLS my pride.

But this time??

Its not me.
For real.

I am this >< close to asking him to go home and live his life the way he feels I messed it up.
Cuz' to me??
Its only been 2 weeks and he has PLENTY time to pick up where he left off.

I wanna go in detail but I feel like I need to talk to him first.
Even though Ive TRIED and I got shut down *as fuggin usual*..but best believe I have to listen to bitchin and moanin' more than a female on her cycle without shuttin' THAT the fug down.

I cant do this anymore y'all.
My heart is in a different place...my children.
THEY come FIRST no matter the cost.

I have so many goals that I want to achieve and I cant do that with a negative person by my side.

AND!!

If this is JUST a EGO THANG that men "go through" b/c he had to leave what he knew and will have to start all over again??
Then he is REALLY fuggin up what WE have based on his ego.

Basically pointing the finger at me because I decided to TRY something different and it didnt apply to YOU!!
It was NEVER about YOU!!
It was about my BABIES!!
I REALIZED GA ISNT WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS AND I DONT NEED YOU TO REMIND ME OF A MISTAKE IVE MADE!!!

Y'all holla atcha gurl..Im in a bad way right now.
I really need some guidance..trust me I will elaborate when the time is right.

Peace

I Love This Gurl

2008-03-01T17:04:00.001-05:00

Just wanted those who havent seen this to enjoy it.

I LOVES CHRISSETTE!!

Kinda Hot

2008-03-01T15:33:00.002-05:00

Ok..Ive never been an Ashanti "lover" per say and Ive also never hated on her in the same breath.

But 1 thing I MUST admit y'all...

This song AND video is the HAWTNESS!!!

GAWN SHANI'!!!

Missed Ya Much

2008-02-28T15:17:00.008-05:00

Heeey Guuuys!!!

I've missed you soo much!

I guess Im off my lil' hiatus.

Got a lil' story to tell ::snickering::
*Or maybe I shouldnt laugh cuz I DAMN sure wasnt laughing at the time*

Buuut anyhoo..

As you all know my babes has entered the state of GA until we get our move on back home to CT.

Soooo....last Wed Im all excited and ish cant wait to see him and what have you.
Ride down the street..I see him sittin' down talkin' to some random dude..aight no problem.

There was no place to stop so we went down a lil further to turn around.

Now..this is when my self tells me "Self?? He is STILL sitting on the ground chattin' it up with ol' dude and thats NOT like him"
I say this to myself because I know my babes and he spotted us as well..he usually would stand up and put 1 hand in the air to make sure we saw him..but...Naaah..my babe is STILL on the ground.

So my mother hops out to see whats what while Im on the phone with my brother *whom we had to pick up later that nite from the Airport* making sure we all were on the same page and blah blah blah.

I hang up with my brother because K.D STILL had not come to the car!
I knew something was WRONG....VERY WRONG!!

I get out my mom has this look on her face...and my heart is RACIN' y'all RACIN'!!

She tells me he got caught with some smoke *weed* and they were detaining my baby!!
Im like NOOOOOOOOO!!!

Aw LAWD NOT MA" BABY!!!

I go over to him and he looks soo pitiful y'all..my babe is not a trouble maker nor is he the type to be in a whole mess of ish.
Not to mention his embarrassment because my mom hopped out before me *sigh*

Also....the random dude he was talking to was undercover!! *GO FIGURE!*
He was a nice guy and all..he even made my mom believe it was a small amount of tree's
when it REALLY was a fuggin' 'O!!!
*an ounce of weed for ma' slow folk..lol*

I have NO idea what he was thinking..I didnt even want to try..I just knew that he didnt need an "I told ya' so" from me...he needed my support and to know that I am his woman and will have his back whether it be good or bad.

The F'd up part is that we sat in the detention center from 12:30 p.m to 7:30 p.m!!

Now that just dont make NO DAMN SENSE!!!

Why the HELL does it take THAT long to fingerprint someone and get them booked?!?!?!

I mean...we had the money to bond him out which was a damn SHAM too!!!

THEN!!!

This damn Sheriff lady says to MY son *who was gettin' antsy b/c we've been there an ENTIRE work shift!!! He's 3 STUPID!! What were you expecting?!?!* "Ay Ay Ay wid all dat noise!"

Was she fuggin' jokin'?!?!?

Cuz um ya' gurl was next to be booked and processed...I kindly stated to her "We got this hon'..your input is not needed"

Ugh!!! I wanted to SCREAM!!!

By the end of the nite I was feeling like....

to GA and their whack ass system!!

HOME SWEET HOME!!!

HERE I COME!!!

Sidebar: All is well though we went to court the next morning and his case was dismissed and we get the bond money back!!!

HOLD ME DOWN YALL

2008-02-18T11:37:00.004-05:00

NEVER FEAR!!
YOUR GIRL IS STILL HERE!!!
MY MOM IS IN TOWN AND I'LL BE PICKIN K.D UP WED *YAY!*
SOOOO....IM'A HAVE TO GET BACK TO Y'ALL!!
BUT YA' KNOW I'LL DO MY BEST TO LEAVE COMMENTS AND CHECK MY PEOPLE OUT.
LOVE YA' MUCH!
*SMOOCHES*
LOVE YA' MUCH!!

Oh NO She DIDNT

2008-02-14T21:17:00.005-05:00

A LETTER TO SANAA LATHAN

Now looky here trick,

You may have caught the "hollywood" bug and popped a Valium before your appearance at the NAACP Image Awards, but, that doesnt mean you can just COMPLETELY disregard the fact that you had the GIFT of HONORING A LEGEND WHO PAVED THE WAY FOR ALL BLACK TALENT TODAY!!

The fact that you read off the teleprompter without the NOTION to give her PERSONAL praise **which ya' should have ya' ungrateful traullup!!** PISSES ME OFF TO NO AVAIL!!

**deep sigh** I am an art lover who would DIE to be in her presence **well, not EXACTLY die, but yo' punk ass get my point**

To sit and talk to such an accomplished talented black woman is a dream to me at this point in my life.

I would be so honored to be ASKED to present this award to her!!

WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?!?!

Has Hollywood JADED to a self indulgent matter?!?!

Thats the vibe I was getting!!

There would be NO WAY IN HELL Id let ANYONE mess my mood up to the point where Id disrespect someone SO worthy of my praise!!

With that said *because my tangent will only get worse if I continue*
Realize and appreciate those that came before you,who had it NOT been for them: The Ruby Dee's, The Sydney Poitiers,The Ossie Davis's, The Diane Carol's, just to name a few.
Dammit!! Those names ALONE should put yo' ass to shame for your blahzay reaction to such an AMAZING woman!!

If she WASNT one of your idols MAYBE yo' ass shouldve passed on presenting!!

Ho' Im just sayin'!!

Get yo' sh*t togetha!

Alyse a.k.a MsLady *ACT LIKE YOU KNOW!*

Yea..Im mad! Who saw the awards tonite??
Who saw how whack she was??
*sigh* Alright Im a bit dramatic..but I respect sooo many legends and cant STAND when an ungrateful person gets the opportunity that would mean a HELLUVA lot more to someone else!!

CONGRATS TO THE LEGENDARY RUBY DEE
(You looked amazing tonite!)

Brought Tears To My Eyes

2008-02-11T14:27:00.000-05:00

KANYE...NEED I SAY MORE??

My heart ACHED for Kanye trying to get through this song.
I just wanted to make sure my blog fam' got to see the TALENT and ORIGINALITY that IS KANYE WEST

To top off a FIYAH performance for "Stronger" he came out and jerked at your heart strings.
I still feel his pain and wish him ALL the best in life.

He is what HipHop is lacking and that is originality and TALENT!!

Am I the only one that realizes his next album is going to be RI-DAMN-DICULOUS?!?!?!

I hope not.

Lata Babies!!

Dreams

2008-02-11T09:58:00.001-05:00

So lately Ive been having some dreams that have caused me to worry a bit *the ones I remember atleast*

And I took note from one of my "everyday blog check outs" Ms Behavin' *Heeey Guuurl..lol* and went to www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary
and found out their meaning.

First dream....

King Kong

****STOP THE MO'FO PRESSES!!! BEFORE YOU READ ON..I PLAYED MYSELF SOO HARD AND KEPT CALLING KING KONG GODZILLA!! LMAO!! I HAD A WHOLE DIFFERENT PERCEPTION OF THIS DREAM...SOOO I AM NOW REALIZING WHAT THIS DREAM REALLY MEANS AT THIS VERY MOMENT!! ARE YOU FRIGGIN' KIDDING ME?!?!!?****

HERES WHAT HAPPENED..

MY MOTHER AND I *some other people I knew well..but you know how in your dream you know the people in it but cant pin point who is who?* were on top of a yellow bus and all the animals where running away b/c they saw King Kong and wasnt fkn with him.

My dmbass says to my mother "IF we dont move he wont see us" but he did and started yanking mo'fo's off the damn bus.

And....scene..lol

thats all I remember

HERE IS THE TRUE MEANING OF MY KING KONG DREAM......

Gorilla

To see a gorilla in your dream, suggests that you may be too "over the top" in your behavior. Perhaps you are compensating for your rigidity and stiffness in your waking life. Alternatively, the gorilla symbolizes your primitive impulses, wild nature and repressed sexual energy.

Woooow...
Repressed sexual energy huh??
That would explain the last post..lol.

Moving on!

EXPLOSIONS

I had a dream that I was holding Braylon and these kids *a whole bunch of kids* where lighting firecrackers and throwing them EVERYWHERE. It got to the point where it was so much that it led to a HUGE explosion. THAT one freaked me out a bit..anytime I dream and fire is involoved it usually scares me.

Explosion

To see explosions in your dream, signifies a loss and displeasure in business. It may also mean that your repressed emotions and rage have come to the surface in a forceful and violent manner.

To dream that your face becomes blackened or mutilated by the explosion, signifies that will be confronted with unjust accusations and may suffer the consequences.

To dream that you are enveloped in flames or blown up into the air by an explosion, forewarns that unworthy friends will violate your rights and abuse your confidence.

To hear the sound of a loud explosion, but you did not see it, signifies that your troubles will soon be replaced with tranquility after you have overcome some small obstacle.

All of it pertains to me

BEING PREGNANT..AGAIN!

So this last one was me and K.D in my our bedroom and he is sitting on the bed while Im standing. I look to him and say "Babe, Im pregnant again" All he did was lay across the bed and said absolutely nothing. I stand there confused And...scene

Pregnant

To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

To dream that you are pregnant with the baby dying inside of you suggests that a project you had put a lot of effort into is falling apart and slowly deteriorating. Nothing works out the way you want it to.

If you are really pregnant and having this dream, then it represents your anxieties about the pregnancy. Women in the first trimester of their pregnancy tend to dream of tiny creatures, fuzzy animals, flowers, fruit and water. In the second trimester, dreams will reflect your anxieties about being a good mother and concerns about possible complications with the birth. Dreams of giving birth to a non-human baby are also common during this period of the pregnancy. Finally, in the third trimester, dreams consists of your own mother. As your body changes and grows, dreams of whales, elephants and dinosaurs and other larger animals may also start appearing at this stage.

This is the one I felt really good about *go figure..being that I THOUGHT it meant I was having a 3rd!!* because so many things within me are changing for the better and I feel AWESOME about it!

Well guys, that'll do for today. Sorry if I bored anyone..my dreams have been worrying me and I just thought I'd share.

The Man VDay

2008-02-09T01:47:00.000-05:00

REPPIN' FO' MY FELLAZ

Okay so I came across this from one of the Vlogs I watch on Youtube.

This chick put a link as well as a Vlog about "Steak and Blowjob Day"

Okaaaay...

I guess I cant be mad because V-Day IS about the ladies and whatnot..men dont really get a kick out of it.

That day is their day,,cant really argue with that ladies.

Soooo...

*presidential music playing in the background*

As of today

I AM OFFICIALLY A PARTICIPANT ON MARCH 13TH

STEAK AND BJ DAY

*APPLAUSE..AND..EXIT*

(AM i BECOMING A BIT MUCH FOR YOU GUYS?? iM JUST BEING ME..LOL*WINK*)

Alone On Valentines Day

2008-02-08T14:23:00.000-05:00

My V'Day is going to SUCK!!!

My babes doesnt arrive til' the following Sat/Sun *we havent fully decided yet..its 1 of the 2* I mean..We can celebrate then but it wont be the same and LAWD knows we wot have "alone" time with the babies hangin about. This here will just be taken as a lose.

*sigh* Oh well..

Atleast I'll git some!

I DID IT

2008-02-08T10:37:00.001-05:00

I MADE MY BLOG ROLL!!
THANX Y'ALL!

Duh

2008-02-07T16:04:00.001-05:00

HELP?

Maybe Im not applying myself.
But...
How do I make a "Blog Roll"??
*sigh* Im so confused...

HELP Y'ALL!!

Body Image

2008-02-07T14:46:00.000-05:00

Heeey My Lovely's!!

Ive had a few things on my mind regarding the fact that I have a TOTAL of 23 lbs to lose to get back the my pre-pregnant weight *sigh*

So....

Im feeling a bit "Eh" latley because ya' gurl was FEELIN' ha' self when I walked past the mirror *mirror* around that time.

I mean I wasnt all BLADOW and all LEAN in ish

Because I LOVE my thickness and it was SOO profound pre-pregnancy *having flashbacks n ish*

(Im soo pear shaped...1st on the left)

I spoke to my Mom *my ROCK* and she has to have this operation AGAIN that scares the ish outta me! Im soo worried because IM the one the usually takes care of her at times like these. The fact that Im so far away KILLS me.
My point, the Doc said that what is causing the things to reappear *its a female thang fellas, thats mostly why I wont elaborate as well as the fact that Mom dukes caint STAND her business be OUT there* is related to weight and what have you.
Now, my Mom is the type that holds ALOT in and when she's stressed she will LET IT OUT in her sleep talk. Soooo....her man was like she was tossing and turning and fighting in her sleep and out the blue says "YOU BETTER GET CHECKED OUT ALYSE!! GO TO THE DOCTOR!!"
When she told me this I was like "Damn, this is more serious than she tried to lead me to believe" she doesnt like me to worry about but her, but she's my Mother, how can I NOT!!
Sooo...with that said I am on my way to doing what I gotta to get rid of the "excess" I dont want my kids to go through this.

Also!
My family has a history of cancer in the "female areas" and it scares me so bad.
I gotta get my mind right and feel good about my health as well as my body image
Both sides of my families have serious heart problems as well and that freaks me out too.

I gotta get right y'all

Lata Lovely's!!

Appreciation

2008-02-05T21:59:00.000-05:00

A Lil' Sumthin' For You Guys
You truly make a difference in my life :-}

***yea yea yea..I know Im look CRAZY!!! still just wanted to show my appreciation***

Made A Wrong Turn

2008-02-01T13:30:00.000-05:00

Ok. Im supposed to be doing my FAFSA forms for school *got it open in another tab* and Im listening to Erykah Badu's Mama's Gun *shout out to Don for reminding me of the HOTNESS that is this album* and I realize that "Didnt Cha Know" is RIGHT where my soul is right now! I was like wait....play that one mo' time leese and LISTEN to what she is saying. And I said to myself, Im sooo feeling like I made a wrong turn in my life right now. A turn that seemed wrong and at the same time was very good for my spirit.
I feel a new me has arrived
A more mature me
I like this ME because she's patient and knows what life has to offer.
Shes focused on the important things in life
She's signed up for school!!! Yesss!!! Finally!!!
Im realizing what it is I have to do and I love it!

But...

The wrong turn was coming here with the notion that my life and the kids lives would be better off.
When I finally woke up out my "self revelation" doze, I looked around me and saw that if you already have the financial backing and/or have dream for something artistic or even business wise,other than that..Atlanta is NOT for YOU *I fall into OTHER*
I looked into the education and I see that they hold their students back.
Now Im not one to gloat, but, my son is very sharp at the age of 3, people dont believe me when I say he is 3 yrs old b/c he can hold a full conversation with you and a few days later remember that EXACT conversation, sh*t he'll tell you something you said and you have no recollection of it at all. Boy'll have you going "Ooooh, I DID say that huh?"
Anyways, I found out that some counties start their children in pre-K at the age of 5 YEARS OLD!!
ARE YOU SH*TTIN' ME?!?!
5 YEARS OLD?!?!
My son can start Kindergarten NOW!! And pass with FLYIN' FUGGIN COLORS!!!
That right there was enough for me to go home, pack my ish and be on the NEXT THANG SMOKIN' back to Ct.
I even looked at the tallying of education all over America and Georgia is quite low.
I cant do that to my babies, if Shamarr is this smart now, imagine what when he gets older AND what I'll go through with Braylon.
That just makes me sick to my stomach, it makes me feel Georgia WANTS people to NOT succeed so they ENSURE your lack of development.
Now, thats not to say that the people here are dumb, thats not where Im leading this post AT ALL.
Its to say that Georgia is not what it used to be.
Its for folk that want to party away and for folk that have the duckets to do what they please.
So if you are well off and love ATL by all means, do you.
As for me??
Im headed back North.

Lata Lovelys!!

****Sidebar these are MY thoughts in MY blog..you Georgia bred?? you dont like it?? THEN JUST BEAT IT BEAT BEAT IT BEAT IT!! Aight?? Aight****

Onto Other Things

2008-01-30T17:45:00.000-05:00

WORDS CANT EXPRESS
Ms Chriette MIchelle

Ok I know I was a bit much below this post...

But Im onto something very important to me...good music.
Im a "music I can feel" type of person *but when Im drunk I'll ULLLL with best of them*
And I am a firm believer that music is at an all time low, just giving ANYBODY a deal.
I feel it isnt what it used to be...AT ALL.
Enter...Ms Chrisette Michelle...and I feel cool refreshing air all through my soul!!!
*enhales deeply*
Im so overjoyed to have her in my life!!! *a bit much...eh..I think not...my music lovers feel me*
She is in my current playlist ENDLESSLY!!
Play on Chrisette!!

blank stare AT Y'ALL

2008-01-30T17:41:00.000-05:00

OK...Y'ALL KNOW I LOVE Y'ALL RIGHT??

BUT...UMMM...

DID ANYONE NOTICE THE POST BELOW MS AGUILERA???

JUST WONDERING

2008-01-30T02:10:00.001-05:00

THE TRUTH!!!

I simply adore this lil' lady here!!! I have been KILLIN' her album since it came out!! And I am nowhere near tired of it *shit..one of her songs is stuck in my head as we speak from killin' it all day..lol*
Her voice amazes me.
She used to get on my nerve but as the years went by and I saw her grow as an artist and woman she gained my respect from all angles.
She is who she is and I love it.
Her confidence is obvious when she performs..she works the HELL out of the stage!!
Truly an awesome entertainer.
I just thought Id show my gurl here some love.
What can I say??
She's the truth.

whats on my mind

2008-01-30T01:37:00.000-05:00

Hey guys, sorry I've been so lack-luster with my posting. I cant seem to get my mind right on a few things. Im a bit stressed and Im the type that refuses to give in to whatever is stressing me so I go into my shell and remain there until I can pull it together. Things regarding my move here to GA and the fact that I am feeling a bit discouraged about living here. Finances are not what they need to be to just pack up and go home. I've been getting ALOT of help from my Mom and I couldnt thank her enough. K.D understands that a lot of my feelings where stress related and I just felt he wasnt there the way I needed him to be (Im spoiled y'all..he did it) But my heart hurts at the fact that I made this MAJOR move and things are making me feel like I need to get home ASAP!. The education down here SUCKS!! And my son is very intelligent , that puts fear in my heart that this state WANTS children to regress!! Are you f*ken kidding me?!!? Aww hell no!! Im not having that AT ALL. My mother and I were online and she was on this website that had all the states schooling by grades and GA had a damn D!!! CT had an A- for private and B+ for public. So basically people I was better off staying where I am from.
I now realize that yeah it is cheaper to live her but you sooo pay for it with the MAJOR pay cut you receive and it sucks soo bad. Im not used to this and I can no longer deal with it. Its lowering my spirit the way I was feeling when I decided to leave. I literally feel like blowing a "j" and saying f*ck it, but I WONT I love my babies too much to give up.
I start school in 2 weeks and cant friggin wait!! I see my babies at the end that this journey and a life my mom wasnt able to give us because she didnt have the resources that I have to take advantage of.
This post was going to be about me and my relationship because this move is truly going to test our strength. My baby has NEVER lived anywhere else and he also has to change his profession for a short while sowe can get things together to get the hell out of here!!
I was nervous that he would chastise me for deciding to move back basically 5 mths after he got here. But he didnt, he actually understood that I had to find out for myself and now that I have he is more than willing to get away for a bit as well and get our minds clear and ready to completely devote ourselves to creating the life we didnt have for our boys.
He's getting his GED (thats the test he is going for) and I am proud of him. He has had it rough without having someone to guide him. He has made some silly mistakes, but somehow still remained from going down that path leading him to a dead end. He turned to barbering and realized he wasnt that type of guy, he has so much potential for greatness and I think thats what keeps me going with him. I want him to see how great he his and instill that greatness in our boys.
He will be here very soon and I cant wait. I never looked at our relationship as long distance, I dont know why because that is basically what it became since we left. He has never given me a reason to not trust him so I have no idea why I started buggin' for a hot second, like I said he has me rotten with his attention he's never been the "lovey dovey" type but I have ALWAYS had his full attention.

Ummm...this post turned into something else but whatever...lol.

Im looking forward to busting these next 6 months out..I gotta get outta here before I lose it!!

Thank you all for your kind words and making me feel a bit better.

Peace Until...

Was I Buggin

2008-01-25T13:02:00.000-05:00

Huh??

Hey people.
Im so grateful for all of your patience.
I know I havent been commenting in a few days.
Im back now and feelin' a bit better.

My problem was K.D. *as usual*

It seemed he was being a bit odd.
We werent talkin' much and every time we DID talk he had to call me back but wouldnt and that was causing some conflict within my spirit.
Then I went through a period when no one at all was answering the phone at the B-Shop.
So I was like WTF is goin' on??
We NEVER not speak for more than 1 day.
And I know I sound petty, but, y'all, we are 1000 miles away from each other.
1 day to not speak is enough, No?
But goin' on 6 fkn days is a bit excessive, yeah?
Shit, I think so.
And 5 maybe 10 min phone calls dont do it for me, I call that NOT speaking and is included with my 6 day count.
I do understand he IS studying for his test on the 2nd of Feb.
No matter what he says I KNOW the fact that he is gettin' nervous b/c this will be his 3rd try could be the reason.
But me and my "female" thinking would LIKE to believe all the positive energy I called myself sending him would be of service.
Guess not.
I have to laugh b/c I sometimes think Im giving excuses.
I had that twinge that only my females know about.
That "The fuck am I feelin' a lil shaky w/ this funny feelin' in my stomach for?" feelin'
Waking up 3:30 in the morning with YOU on my mind *and i wasnt thinking about fkn* feelin'
That think of your name and my stomach flips feelin'

Was I buggin???

But, I sat here and I thought to myself.
Would I be losing a good thing? Or would HE?
I vouch for HE.
Call me conceited, a bit cocky, what the fug ever.
I'd prefer confident...lol.
But Im not an unattractive lady.
I pride myself with having good ass genes
And a damn good personality and sense of self
A damn good mother to YOUR 2 boys

So..with that said.
Me and my fine ass will find someone rather quickly IF and only IF thats where he wants to take it.
But I guess he was just focused on his studies and I'll go back to being my positive self.

I cant sit here and be a child about things.
Ive been doing well with containing myself and not "creating drama"
I do love the damn fool and dont want things to go south because of bull.

We were doing so well and I was finally letting that guard I put up down so he could see the REAL me.
I wasnt doing anything I used to do.
I love him y'all
I really do
And I want to make it work

I'll be patient and wont over react

Sooo...with that....

IM BACK BIIIZZZNNITCHES!!!!!

odd feeling

2008-01-22T00:55:00.001-05:00

I have a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that i cant explain.
Ive been feeling like this since I got home tonight from washing clothes.
I dont know whats wrong guys.
I feel sad for some odd reason.
Ima take a few days off and get my emotions in check.
Love Y'all.

-Leese

feeling stronger...my babies

2008-01-17T14:22:00.000-05:00

YOU AND I
WILL NEVER FALL APART

(my babe HATES this flick..he thinks he looks like a sad puppy..i think he looks as "nice" as we were that nite)

Cancer Man and Libra Woman This match has as many chances of working as of not-working. The initial start will be very good, the main problem will come in making it work, on a much more permanent basis. One of the areas where differences will crop up is the money department, he loves to save and she loves to shop. He is much more practical and sensible than she is. Infact, she is more carefree about life and likes to take each day as it comes. He may at times not express his feelings fully, which will frustrate her very much. The best way to make this match work is by conversing.

This freaks me out how accurate it is!!
This is K.D and I to the 10th power!!! I am soooo the frivolous shopper and he is the responsible spender.
My better half.
This is why i feel we just might have a chance...we balance eachother out.
Just when I thought we were done and had absolutely nothing in common. We shocked one another and have been closer than ever.
I can TALK to him now without feeling like Im talking to my self or talking to someone who doesnt care rather.
Im proud of where we are in this short period of time.
We are eachothers strength and I realize NOW that I am who I am today because HE made me look at myself.
I love him for that.
Im so happy we are making it work.

***********************************************************************************************

NEW PICS OF THE KIDDIES!!!

makes me wanna holla

2008-01-16T01:09:00.000-05:00

IM HURTIN' Y'ALL!!

For those that dont know, had a cesarean surgery fir the birth of Braylon.

Its a pretty big deal and it requires me to be home longer w/ quite a list of other restrictions.
Now, i havent felt ANY pain for quite some time *dont know the exact time* then, today, Braylons bib was across my bed and he was lying in between my legs *sounds weird but he was safe..lol* and i reached to my left to grab it *thinking i was ok and wouldnt feel any pain* and then...oooowww!!! I feel a pull in my right side!
OMG!! when i say that ish hurt it HURT!! And on top of that i have this headache that wont quit!!

That being said..i just had to take a Perc' **and a half..lol** and im feeling kinda nice right now.

***is it me?? or do i feel like i havent holla'd at my blog fam in a min??***

***maybe its the percocet..lol***

Lata Lovelys!!

SIDEBAR: I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I CANT GET THE FONT SIZE SMALLER..I TRIED 3 DAMN TIMES!!

VIDEO LOG

2008-01-15T16:33:00.001-05:00

I DID MY VIDEO LOG!!!!

CHECK ME OUT AT :
WWW.YOUTUBE.COM/BESTKEPTSECRET84

***WARNING I LOOK A HOT ASS MESS..LOL***

i love....

2008-01-13T16:08:00.000-05:00

MY BOYS

"Maahder, youre my best friend EVER!" thats what Shamarr tells me on a regular basis and it warms my heart. My boys are my joy and i know i express this a lot, but it was *and is* my love for them that keeps me sane these days. Times when i thought their dad and i were not going to make it, it was Shamarrs everlasting smile and strong, comical personality that kept me smiling. The fact that id get to experience another strong personality created by K.D and i grow and become a hilarious amazing little boy kept my hopes up as well as my strength. Braylon is growing more and more beautiful each and every day *ill get new pics for y'all soon..ma' damn battery died!! and its a rather expensive battery,so bare with, kay??* He is smiling and cooing and just warming my heart day by day. What really makes me feel good is that he recognizes my singing voice and when he gets a bit fussy i sing "Ribbon In the Sky" to him while playing it softly and shortly after hes asleep. My God the boy is already 10 lbs 8 oz of chubby cuteness!! He just turned 1 mth on Thursday..my fatboy..lol. Each day my love for these 2 grows stronger and i am ready to get moving on the things i need to do for them.
They are my joy.

MUSIC

An 8 yr old little girl at her karaoke machine grabs a recording tape,presses record on one side and play on the other. The side she presses "play" on softly plays "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston *one of her many idols*. She puts the microphone up to her mouth and begins to sing along with Ms Houston, the feeling coming through this 8 yr old is unexplainable its a feeling she loves to feel, she is doing what she loves to do, bonding with music. She turns the playing tape over and begins to sing "Yes Jesus Loves Me". Shes alone in her element that is her bedroom singing her little heart out. Shes content, she feels good...but..shes deathly shy to do this anywhere else besides her bedroom so there she remains for years singing alone to her audience of stuffed animals and sometimes her little brother.
That little girl is obviously me and i still have that tape. Ive had a strong love for music since i can remember, my mother says since i was able to talk ive always loved music and would sing every song possible for my little mouth to sing.
Music has played a major role in my life, anything i was going through id have a song to express it and id feel a weight lifted off my chest.
First heartbreak?? Aretha healed that.
Having a bad day?? Stevie would lift my spirits.
Anything else?? Too many to name would heal the emotion roaming through my body.
I wish i could name each and every person who has influenced me musically but i would be here for hours trying to make sure i didnt leave anyone out.
Lately i havent been hiding my experiencing all kinds of new music and new artists..im prod of that, i used to be around people that wouldnt understand it and would most likely make fun of me..so id keep my love for alternative and SOME country to my self.
I adore music and i wish i wasnt so afraid of what God has given me..singing is a drug to me..if i go days without singing SOMETHING..ANYTHING i feel a sense of withdrawl and i HAVE to have an alone moment to sing. Its weird i know but its ME and its what music does to me.

K.D.

Its going on 5 yrs and i still find myself questioning why he loves me and deals with the many ups and downs that have created the makings of me.
He is this cool calm guy that doesnt say much but when he DOES say something it usually holds some weight to it. It takes alot to get a rise out of him and im usually the one that gets that rise *not THAT one!!* out of him. I hate him and i love him. He tells me the truth about me and has made me crack myself open and take a deeper look more than once. Hes an observer and he has damn sure observed this spoiled and at times selfish brat. He can be immature but lately hes been doing a good job of working on that. Hes responsible and shows me that i waste money and that i dont NEED those hot ass shoes i saw the other day *lol* He has potential to be great if only he'd have faith in himself and the plan God has for him *i do my best to encourage him and help he realize he IS talented at whatever he does*. He has made me realize love again, im a girl with "daddy issues" and in him i found that i have it in me to love and be loved. He has "mommy issues" and i hope i have showed him what love is. I know i have bad talked him and probably made him sound worse than he is but i feel like he and i are finally growing up and truly learning about the other in ways we didnt try because we were too busy protecting our hearts.
Cant wait til you get here baby.

LYNN

Wow..10 yrs, 1 falling out and we are still here by eachother side regardless of what. I am soo thankful for your friendship and i feel so good that i can ACTUALLY say that with the confidence that you feel the same. It took me a long time to truly believe you were my true friend and had my best interest at heart because of how many times ive been hurt and let down by "so-called friends". Youve let me down ONCE and you NEVER did it again. You know me like no other and it sometimes scares me because,once again, it lets me know you are truly here for me and our friendship. I can honestly say you are up there with my family and K.D I love you dearly Friend, Sister rather. I laugh from the heart with you, there is never anything phony coming from us. I am Alyse with you, I sing in front of you and you KNOW thats major *lol*. I value what we share and know that the truth will always flow my mouth when you ask..shit..even when you dont. Youre a survivor and someone i admire,you need to know that i you are strong and beautiful and can perceiver through whatever God throws your way.
I'll always have your back.
Love you Sis.

And last but truly not least...

MOMMY
(YOU ARE GOING TO KILL ME FOR THIS FLICK BUT..)

My backbone through every last thing i do. i am so taken by your strength, you are what i aspire to be. Goal orientated, strong mind, sensitive to others, so caring, generous.. a few things i am not at times. I look at what youve been through and see i can achieve anything. Im proud of you and i love you more than words can say. You deserve happiness and i hope youve found it where you are. i cant say it enough.. I Love You Mommy!! I look at those who didnt have their mothers when they needed them and i am thankful even more for you. For all the selfless things you do God has something major in the works for you lady..trust in that.
I Love You!!

***There is much more i love and am thankful for but right now..at this very moment..thats what is standing out in my mind***

peace y'all....

(ALYSE)

im feelin it

2008-01-11T20:32:00.000-05:00

this chick is FIYAH!!

(she's the song playing)

i mean, as a people,should we be mad at the fact that the hotness is coming from "the blue eyed soul region" lately?? i dunno y'all..but im feelin this chick Adele here from South London...chick is so smooth wid it.

anybody ever hear of her??

if not....

get on it.

exhausted

2008-01-10T20:05:00.001-05:00

IM SOOO TIRED!!!

I dont even know where or how to start this post i am soo exhausted right now.
if you havent figured it out yet..i stay home with the kiddies until next month ill be working agian. staying home is kind of ok besides the huge bouts of bordem i go through.
My dear sweet Braylon has me sleeping til noon *which i NEVER do* when usually i am up by 10 a.m if not earlier. it makes me feel so lapse and lazy looking over at my clock and seeing 11:57 a.m that is sooo not my style. and what it does is makes me even MORE tired throughout the day..i mean..by the evening he's asleep and im RIGHT BEHIND HIM!! he is up every 2 maybe 4 hours and im sooo ready for my lil cutie to be past this stage!!

Now, Shamarr was sooo easy. after i couldnt breastfeed anymore *he was too damn greedy and tearing my breast up!!* i had to turn to formula, his greedy butt STILL wanted more so i had to add a lil bit of cereal to his bottles, but after id do that hed be OUT LIKE A LIGHT..i mean slept the ENTIRE night. But Braylon?? Uh Uh..i just stopped breastfeeding him and he's now on formula and oatmeal cereal..he is up ready to eat AND THEN wants to stare in mommies face..Oh and get this..lil dude wants me to GET UP and rock him as well as sing!! i have a HIDEOUS singing voice in the middle of the night!! So we dont get to sleep until bout 7 a.m *NO LIE!!* So yea..while all normal folk are up and getting ready for work and whatnot..im up feeding,singing,rocking,oh and watching The Steve Harvey Show at 6 a.m.

I mean, i hate to complain because i LOVE my babies non the less but i guess when i had Shamarr i shouldnt have taken that time for granted because K.D was there and when i needed sleep he was up with the baby. He's not here until next month *im counting the days!!* and sometimes i wish id had stayed my black ass home and other times i feel like i did this for a reason and i wont renege unless something good happens *Lord, YOU know what "good" im talking about* but until then im here taking care of my babies and patiently waiting for K.D to come and take back HIS role with them.

MAMA TYYAD!!

Ahhh....motherhood.

(I DONT MEAN MY BABIES EITHER!!)

Pop Off

2008-01-08T22:41:00.000-05:00

Alright y'all..i just got through watching my new obsession Bad Girls Club on the Oxygen channel.

THIS IS.....

TANISHA
aka "PopOff"

This chick here has some DEEP ISSUES...i mean, she started out cool,then of course you start to see the reason she is in the house in the first place.
MY opinion is she has "im-big-and-secretly-unhappy-about-it so-i-bully-people-and-make-fun-of people-to-shadow-the-REAL-issue-at-hand" syndrome..but let her tell it she just "pops off".
She is the epitome of the negative activity that black women are trying to let go of.
Shes that "big,loud,black girl" trying to scare people with her big ass mouth and LARGE stature.
A part of me was going to "pop off" on her in a negative way cuz watching her bully Cordelia around tonite woke up that little girl that was bullied in the 3rd grade and got yelled at by my mother that if i came home ONE more time crying because that big 6th grader that stayed back messed with me again SHE was going to whoop my ass when i got home .
it reminded me of that fateful day when i mustered up the courage,Smurf's lunch box clutched in hand,bully running her obnoxious mouth and WHAM! i knocked that ho' out with my Smurf lunch box..NOW TELL ME TO SHUT UP AGAIN!!
*JUST HAD A FLASHBACK*
But instead i feel for her because she obviously doesnt know any other way to be. Somewhere underneath all that negativity and anger is a very hurt soul. i truly wish for her to get it together and realize that ish is not attractive..she gots to go somewhere with all that.
i am convined she is unhappy with herself..i wish her the best in finding self esteem as well as maturity..y'all Youtube it..she a hot mess.

NOW...THIS IS

CORDELIA
aka "I Love Anal"

I dont have much to say for her besides shes the main focus of Tanishas rampage and she needs a back bone and stop letting people make fun of her.
She loves sex and has made her share of mistakes..as well as the mistake of being waay to open with some of the women in the house which lead to her being the ASS of damn near all the jokes.
When she ATTEMPTED to stand up for herself she was repeatedly told..or challenged rather by "Big Mamma PopOff" to do just that...POP OFF.
I dont agree with harassment and thats exactly what Tanisha did..hopefully she'll calm her ass down and leave ol' girl here alone. i can say that by the end of the episode she finally stood up to that monster..i guess because Tanisha is big and loud but that doesnt equal stupid she knows she hit someone she'll have to leave the show..but Cordelia did her best because the poor thing wouldve been laid out..you can tell she aint got no hands..lol.

this show has my full attention every Tuesday at 10pm..check your local listings for what channel Oxygen is near you..trust me..youll be entertained.

aight y'all..

im baaaaack

2008-01-08T11:55:00.000-05:00

HEY.........

Gotta a few random thoughts going *plus Braylon FINALLY gave me a moment to breathe*

Alrighty...

Ive been thinking about my religion lately..and ive had to ask myself "What is my religion??" i was raised Christian and im now 23 and realize that i have my OWN beliefs that do not coincide with the Christian community.

im a self proclaimed "Astrology Head" I LOVE IT I THINK IT SOO INTERESTING...while they think ITS THE DEVIL RUUUUUUN... umm..not quite in my mind...lol...and besides i love my sign *LIBRAS STAND UP..lol..that was corny..sorry.* and it amazes me how it describes Alyse *me..duh* in a nut shell.

i believe in sex before marriage..i just cant see ME a self proclaimed lady in the streets but a freak in the bed *well..K.D says that too..giggle* but umm..im not TRYING to find out the night we consummate *did i spell that right?? oh well..yall get what im saying* our "LOVE" that your sex game is WHACK AS HELL!!..im sorry i just caint do it!! i think sex is a HUGE part of your connection..NOT ALL..but a large part of it..cuz if im mad at you and we beef a lil i like to think the make up will be on and POPPIN *singing Chris Brown.lol*

im trying to think if there is more because i think im sounding a bit crazy or even superficial but i am entitled to my opinion..i just have MY way of thinking and it doesnt go with....*deep theatrical voice* THE GODLY WAY.

im also not all that interested in marriage..im cool with being with someone in a monogamous relationship..im just not interested in the paperwork and the BIG wedding and the ring and having his last name..blah blah blah...just show me IM all you need and want and we good..aight?? aight.

please dont get me wrong..i love the LORD and i talk to him every night..my 3 yr old says his prayers every night and so do i and i DO believe in a HIGHER being watching and protecting us all...i just feel a bit odd in church sometimes and i feel even more out of place when i voice what I feel to someone of Christian ways..i feel like a huge sinner..lol.

Onto other things..

I have been getting into the Vlog side of Youtube and i REALLY want to start doing that.. it is waaay easier than typing what you feel *no i will not abandon my Blog fam..I LOVE Y'ALL MAYNE!!* but i am really interested in partaking in that community as well..ima get me a camera prolly' next month.
..i mean who WOULDNT want to see AND hear this cuties thoughts?? *crickets* hello?? anyone??

Hmm..what else what else??

I damn near KILLED myself my brother and my babies the other day..these roads are SO weird in GA..they dont have NORMAL dividers..we are on the road and my brother wants me to stop at Wendys before i drop them at the house so i can go food shopping and i go to take the left turn to the road its on and LORD HELP US ALL!! I WAS ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD!! I damn near passed out..but like i said i DO believe there is a higher being watching and protecting all because the cars saw us and let me turn the HELL around. i was shaken up a bit from that and feeling a bit...STUPID!!

I am sooo ready to get out of this apartment!! its not even funny!! im not feeling it NOPE im not feeling it.

im bout to one 2 step on out people..thanx for the patience.

love y'all

peace until...

Im Sawy Yall

2008-01-05T02:57:00.000-05:00

HAVING A BRAINFART!!!

*sigh* Woe is me * i guess* but i shall return with a meaningful post soon..i dunno whats going on *guess not much huh??*

Until then ma' beautiful people..ill be reading others and trying to comment as much as possible..on a bit of a "bloggin hiatus" until somethin makes my brain tick.

Peace Lovelys!!

2007 Questionaire

2007-12-31T01:19:00.000-05:00

im jacking right now..i got this from la bella vita's spot and my girl ms behavin's..i was going to post something else but i didnt feel like trying to come up with a "penetrating" post so....here goes:

Was 2007 a good year for you??

yea..i guess i can say it was because it couldve been worse..i can truly say 2007 was my coming of age..i realize the way i was living was unacceptable and pointless..it was time for me to grow up...and i feel i did.

What was your favorite moment of the year??

i have 2..the moment i "man'ed up" and left all that i know behind in Ct and moved to Ga..and the birth of my new baby boy braylon *cheesing hard as hell*

What was your least favorite moment of the year??

*surpressing an embarrassed laugh* when i left my sidekick in K.D's car and he checked my text messages and found out about "Seat-filler"...damn..that was interesting *still trying not to laugh*

Where were you when 2007 began??

at my best friends party nice as hell and yelling at K.D on the phone to hurry his ass up picking up late ass friends of his *UGH!! i got NO kiss at the ball drop because he playing taxi!!*

Who were you with??

my people having a great and safe time.

Where will you be when 2007 ends??

at home

Who will you be with when 2007 ends??

with the kiddies, my mom and brother, most likely on the phone with K.D *knowing him he wont go anywhere cuz he trying to save money*

Did you keep your new years resolution for 2007??

didnt make one..i was too busy yelling at my man and "making up" with him by the night ;-}

Do you have a new years resolution for 2008??

yea..get my behind in school..and aspire to be the best mom,daughter,sister,lover i can be.

Did you fall in love in 2007??

you know what?? i feel like i fell in love all over again with K.D..i dunno..i just feel the NEED to have him and i miss em' so much i actually cried the day he left..seeing him after NOT seeing him for 3 1/2 mths brought back all of my original feelings...so i think i can confidently answer this question with a..yes *grinning from ear to ear*

if yes than who??

my K.D

If yes, do they know??

i havent told him yet...lol.

Are you still in love with them??

sure am

Do you regret it??

i dont regret anything in my life.

Did you break-up with anyone in 2007??

K.D and i broke up and got back together.

Did you make any new friends in 2007??

just blogger buddies..thats about it.

Who are your (most memorable) favorite new friends??

n/a

What was your favorite month of 2007??

id have to say Mar/Apr..there was a lot of "making up" going on between K.D and i..that was hella fun!! *sheeiit..thats how (and when) i got knocked up again*

Did you travel outside the US in 2007??

*pouting* no

How many states have you traveled to in 2007??

1

Did you lose anybody close to you in 2007??

no *thank you Jesus*

Did you miss anyone in the past year??

yea...will continue missing them until Feb 08'

What was your favorite movie you saw in 2007??

id have to go with Transformers,Spidey 3, and Disturbia

What was your favorite song of 2007??

i had a huge partying spurt this year and for some reason id LOSE it when Young Joc's "Its Going Down" came on...my part "Ooo i think they like me...betta yet i know..lights camera action when i walk through tha do'" You cant tell me that wasnt everyones part!! lol

What was your favorite album from 2007??

i had a couple..i was feeling amy whinehouse..christina aguilera..kanye..common*you know what?? ima edit this and come back with some more*

How many concerts did you see in 2007??

none..but i did get to see Kat Williams and all of his hilarity.

Did you have a favorite concert in 2007??

n/a

Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2007??

uuhh..lol..yes as well as a lotta mary jane.

Did you do a lot of drugs in 2007??

mary jane aint a drug to me..i dont care what dem damn commercials say.

How many people did you sleep with in 2007??

DAMN!! is that REALLY ya business?? i dont discuss stuff like that...nah..im playin..just K.D..beefin or not id give up the coochie cuz caint nobody do me like ma' baby.

Did you do anything youre ashamed of this year??

yea..but fear that certain people might gain access to my blog...ill pass on this one

What was the biggest lie you told in 2007??

that i wasnt feeling "seat-filler" like that..truth was i liked him..i just wished he was K.D.

Did you treat anybody badly in 2007??

yea..but he aint go nowhere so what difference did it make?? lol

Did someone treat you badly in 2007??

hell yea..but i didnt go aywhere *for too long* so what difference did it make?? lol

How much money did you spend in 2007??

too damn much!!

What was your proudest moment in 2007??

Hmm..when i told my father the truth about himself.

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2007??

i dont think i had one...ill have to give that one some thought.

If you could go back in time to any moment of 2007..what would it be??

the moment when K.D found out about Seat-Filler..id say sooo much more..i felt so bad because he was crying and all emotional i held back the REAL reason i went and started talking to another dude..even though i am quite sure he knew the reason..i still feel he needed to hear it from the horses mouth...and the "make up" that was REAL nice..lol

What are your plans for 2008??

to make ma' mama proud and what i have to for my kids and what i need to maintain a happy family life.

fill in the blank friday

2007-12-28T18:15:00.000-05:00

1. Chill is the word that best describes how i spent my Christmas.

2. I plan to ring in the new year at home with the kids and a bottle of Patron and seriously missing K.D.

3. My biggest accomplishment(s) of 2007 were giving birth to Braylon and moving to Georgia getting a peace of mind from Ct..but im kinda ready to go home..is that bad??

4. Some of the goals/new years resolutions ive set for 2008 are to start school, continue losing the "baby weight" (down 30lbs so far!!),and to remain chill when things get rough with ANYTHING in my life (K.D. my Dad..whateva) time to relax and take more mature approached towards my problems.

5. This weekend ill be washing clothes, and trying to do something to this thick bush of hair i have on my head as of right now.

6. Being more responsible with money and getting pregnant without having what i needed together (im glad he's here dont get me wrong..i just wanted better for my children..hey..ya live and ya learn) are things i regret doing or not doing this year.

7. There is nothing (i find) more embarrassing than going out with rambunctious people..loud and all ghetto and getting y'all kicked out the club with they foolishness.

8. Today, I feel slightly bored and tired from being up with Braylon all night.

what i see...

2007-12-25T20:17:00.000-05:00

I was feeling a bit down today and wasnt going to blog or anything of that nature..but i was sitting here and thought to myself "why am i dwelling on being sad today?? i can just sit and think about the things that i am thankful for" hence this post..I hope you are all enjoying your day.

I have so many things to be thankful for so i decided to cheer myself up and put them in writing:

Im thankful for:

-My kids...each day i look at them *especially when they are asleep* and i am so overjoyed with love and appreciation.

-God..he knew there was something special enough about me to birth 2 beautiful boys.

-Love..the ability to love is a feeling taken for granted there are soo many people out here that feel alone and un-loved..i am loved and that is an awesome feeling

-Forgiveness...its going to be a new year and i need to let go of the things that have ailed me for so long..time to forgive and forget.

-Growing and learning..each day i learn something new about life as well as myself..im willing and ready to face each day with positivity and an open mind.

-Memories..i thought of me and K.D's first kiss..it was electric!! that kiss i KNEW he was mine and was not going anywhere anytime soon *i want a kiss like that when he gets back*

-Separation..the fact that i am so far from the "one i love" and i still feel the same about him tells me something about US..we just might have a chance...and Lord knows when he get here IMA TEAR HIS ASS UP!!!

-Real Friends...im realizing with me being so far away who my true friends are and why they are just that.

-To just Be..im here...im alive..i have a roof over my head..clothes on my back..food in me and my kids bellies..and i have family...im healthy.

I cant complain..I Wont complain.

Lata y'all

Have A Good One!!

2007-12-23T21:16:00.001-05:00

ENJOY YOUR HOLIDAY EVERYONE!!!

(may i just note that im having my first case of holiday blues..i am so far away from my family and it is making me really sad right now..i hope K.D doesnt piss me off cuz i miss em and id hate to have to flip with all these emotions flowing through me..*sigh* oh well..ill get through it..peace y'all)

goodbye....for now

2007-12-18T17:40:00.000-05:00

or maybe i should say "see ya later"...i dunno..im sad though and feel like a well of tears because ma' baby left today*booooo*

i miss k.d...i know i know...i complain about him ALOT but my feelings are all jambled and im the type of person to vent and sound like i caint stand the person...but..thats not the case with k.d...im still in love with him when i thought i wasnt...im sooo sad hes gone...he'll be back by the end of next month if im not mistaken....we'll say Jan/Febish.

like i said...we talked about things and i realize we are both the kind of people that completely guard our true feelings in hopes that it will save us from feeling pain...i know he loves me i see it in his eyes and to me your eyes tell so much truth and he loves his kids...i feel like if i bend and just show him ME,the mother of his 2 sons that loves him more than words can say maybe that will start to break down his walls...basically..i have to break down my own barriers to get him to see that i love him and i dont want to be hurt just as much as he doesnt.

i miss him...i wish i didnt feel like this visit was a tease *we couldnt do anything hence the situation of giving birth to braylon via c-section*..ive always felt like sex is when he and i release our actual feelings for one another..hes not the "i love u baby" type but when we getting it in its "i love you" this and "i love you so much" that...i find it funny but i believe it cuz i know him and thats just the way he is...thats my babe...ill be on next week about how he pissed me off and whatnot...lol.

im hoping things do work itself out for the better with he and i..im looking to get these 4 credits i need to start school in Sept '08 and while im at it ill look for a school out here for him to get licensed in barbering *boy been cuttin hair over 10 yrs..dont ask why hes never gone ligit* hes good at it..hes the only one i want on my son head thats for sure.

so my hopes are to do this 24 mth program he get licensed and we get outta here right after that..hes got people that will help him get his own shop *if he needs the help* back home and ill be straight financially so im praying we get this poppin..i want my kids to have what we both didnt...a dad in the household a part of raising them....cant fault me for that

Lord please dont let me fall

peace until

we need a resolution..so much confusion

2007-12-17T14:47:00.000-05:00

ok..so k.d and i actually talked about the root of our issues and he acknowledged being lackluster by stepping his shit up once i decided it would be best for my kids to see their dad off tomorrow.

it drives me crazy..this back and forth that is he and i and for some reason i dont think im that tired because if i was id leave his ass alone for good. i asked my mom why is it that i never seem to really know what my plans are with him and why i accept him back every single time he drives me up a wall?? she responded by saying when you truly love someone youll give them all the chances in the world until that fateful day comes when you are seriously fed up. i guess when i say im tired im not quite there yet. id like to share this little..hmm what should i call it?? i dunno ima call it a lil tale..

a man was walking down a dirt road when he came up on an old house with an old man and an old dog on the porch...the man noticed the dog kept howling over and over just howling...he finally asked the old man on the porch "sir..why is your dog howling like that??" the old man responded "oh..he just sitting on a nail." the man then asks "well..why doenst he just move??" the old man chuckled and replied "it must not be hurting that bad"

-the story of my relationshp

we went to braylons doc appointment today and to walmart for something ot cook when we got back...while in line..i looked over at him and i felt a flutter i hadnt felt in a while...im so confused mayne..i dunno..love is annoying i swear.

peace until...

im really feeling this track with timbo and one repulblic..hot as hell!!

update

2007-12-14T18:32:00.000-05:00

i just sent k.d. to the aunt he was dying to get to...im done..i cant do this to my kids...they dont deserve it and niether do i.

it hurts so bad that he would do this to us..im hurting and cant stop crying for doing this to my sons..but tomorrow is a new day and he'll be hurting way worse than me.

i just wish it couldve been different but when God puts something in your face you HAVE to pay attention.

i knew it wasnt meant to be and i dont want it to be so what the hell do i feel bad for?? i feel like i failed my babies..they deserve so much more.

ill be in better spirits soon...shit..i am in better spirits that just gave me the fuel i needed to get ish right for me and mine and those boys damn sure are MINE!!

and yet...i feel a huge sense of relief...crying is sooo good for the soul

his lose

still hate his ass though..scream it kelis..lmao

braylon and some otha ish...

2007-12-14T12:40:00.001-05:00

braylon james

wow..what do i say?? hes really here and i feel like a new mom all over again *big grin* i have so much to be thankful for.hes healthy,eats fine,slightly spoiled in the sleep area but what can i say?? im so in love with him *i gotta bit of the "baby blues" so this post might make me cry..lol* he is shamarr all over again they truly look identical...its kind of scary..lol.

i look at my babies and i just want to give them the world *i have some issues with k.d and im trying to be civil being that i am in pain and all but i think im on the edge of tellin his ass to return home and DONT COME BACK!!* they are such a huge part of who i am today i cant do anything but thank them and keep striving for the best.

delivery went well..i was kind of out of it and reeeeally sleepy..come to find out i was dehydrated and had to be on i.v fluids the entire stay..that wasnt cool because ive never been dehydrated it is not a cool feeling. your mouth gets sooo dry..you get sweaty for no damn reason and tired veeery tired...they put me on some med that made me itch like a damn heroin addict..i almost lost my damn mind scratching with a comb my brother found in the little toiletries they provide..lol...that ish was funny though.

big brother shamarr

shamarr has been so receptive to his new baby brother i almost cry..lol..i am so overjoyed with his initial reaction. he was happy and protective and wanted to hold him immediately. hed throw fits when it was time for them to return home because he wanted braylon and i to come home..lol..it was too cute. now every minute he is checking on his brother and when he cried *he got circumcised* when i was changing his diaper mar creid so hard it would break your heart..but thats exactly what i wanted..i want my kids to love and protect each ohter and be close like my brother and myself.

**************************************************************************************

ive been in such crazy moods lately and i know its to be expected but i dont like it..now.. i have a huge issue with k.d and i just cant continue to say how many times he makes me feel dumb for even trying with him..yalll..i just had MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY!! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WALKING AROUND MY HOUSE LIKE YOU ON A FUCKIN VACATION??!! i literally can count on 1 hand how many times this fuckin ass has helped me out..i was up all nite at the hosp with baby by myself!! while this motha@!*#? slept the nite away..the next day..i called my brother and told him to bring a change of clothes to stay with me..fuck that..atleast i know my brother will make sure im ok at all times...when jay went home i asked my mom to stay the last nite with me..im tired yall..im soooo tired..tuesday comes he can go back to Ct and stay there because he just showed me how its going to be right?? me doing EVERYTHING..today..im trying to get a "me" moment and grab a bowl of cereal and braylon starts to cry..why when i look up k.d is coming out my room on the phone and jay *my brother* is coming out my room with braylon?!?! WTF?!?! oh you gots to get the hell on up outta here bruh..i could do bad by my damn self...i was sooo pissed..i unplugged the phone *fuck that..you aint here to chill..get the fuck off my phone*...i went in my bathroom and put on Carl Thomas "You Aint Right" on repeat and cleaned up my bathroom *minus the percocets..so you KNOW i was running on "mad black woman" energy* i dont deserve this shit at all!! and i and tired of constantly complying with his past and all that bull..he is 27 yrs old and claims to love me..you dont do someone you love this way at all..shit.. i know im strong and determined to get better so i wont ask for much help but common sense would tell you to help your girl out if shes obviously in pain...this fucka is more concerned with the fact that he found a cousin down here and they want to see him...nigga...you are not here to visit you are here to help with your damn kids!! but is quick as fuck to get on the phone with people and them "yoooo...i just had my son" WTF?!?! YOU HAD WHAT?!?! I HAD THIS FUCKIN BABY NIGGA GET YO SHIT RIGHT!!!

TUESDAY YALL...TUESDAY

WHOOSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

i have no more to give..its all about my kids.

peace until...

hospital stays....

2007-12-12T22:10:00.000-05:00

i know i know...you want pics of my new gorgeous lil man..but..ill handle that when i get home..im still in this damn hospital. ive never mentioned how much i dispise hospital stays. thank god for my mom her laptop and WiFi..lol..i have something to do right about now being that lil mr gorgeous is peacefully sleeping *hes beautiful yall!! i tell ya ALL about it when i post the pics* but this damn stay!! real talk i cant complain because everyone is very nice and blah blah blah..im just not one for staying up in this mug for 4 damn days!! i cant sleep..not interested in majority of the food they bring me *not all is bad..but yall get what im saying* i get woken up EVERY SINGLE TIME I JUST FALL ASLEEP!! now tell me that aint aggravating!! i had this nurse yesterday who literally left my right hand looking like someone injected a golf ball in it be cause "she couldnt find my veins" now..im swollen but my damn are fine..dont blame ME for the fact that YOU are clueless!! do us both a favor and pass this task onto someone who knows what the hell they are doing..i bid you good day!!

but how has everone been?? me?? drugged and so in love with my new lil one *once again i will go into full detail about mr braylon james and all his greatness* im happy right now and will be even happier once i get my black ass home tomorrow morning...my mom is staying with me tonite..K.D stayed the first nite then my brother the second nite..i have a great family..all heplful and whatnot..lol...i dont have much else to rant about im just spoiled and ready to go home and get some real rest.

well..ill be up surfing the web until the wee hours of the morn..

peace until...

topics ill get on when i get home:

the delivery

shamarr reaction to his baby brother

k.d.

my moods

*kind of reminding myself*

Uhh..thanx..but no thanx

2007-12-06T23:50:00.000-05:00

real quick before i lay down and watch Tyra.....

im on the phone with K.D earlier this evening heres how it went....

blah blah blah...

then...

K.D "that bassinet aint new."

Me "umm..ok"

K.D "she has the same one from the babies uncle and i guess she felt she didnt need that one"

Me "Mmhmm"

K.D "you still want it??"

Me "no..not really"

K.D "why not??"

Me " i honestly dont need it and just didnt want to do the expected which would be to reject it"

K.D " what were you going to do with it??"

Me "give it to one of those places that buy baby stuff off of people"

K.D "well...im not puttin it on the truck if you dont want it."

Me "fine..i just dont want to seem like im acting funny about it
..i have a bassinet for my son"

now...for those who dont know this bassinet is from his sister who ive had problems with for a while for absolutely NO REASON KNOWN TO MAN..shes a disrespectful child that ive had nothing to do with for over a year and with damn good reason..do i want it to be this way?? no..but youve burned too many bridges with me for me NOT to question this supposed "good gesture".

now...im feeling like the real reason you TRIED to give it me was because someone brought you a new one and it doesnt sit well with me..youve never tried to help me in any other way before so why should i trust now?? i dont..keep it..sell it..shit i dont care cuz i wasnt going to use it anyway.

always an ulterior motive with black people..we will NEVER be friends

thanx..but no thanx

good night

peace until...

Getiing Excited!!

2007-12-06T09:40:00.001-05:00

How are we all this beautiful morning??
im doing as good as God wants me to be..no pains a few "braxton hicks" but nothing i cant withstand. im still pretty upbeat and ready to go!! thanx for all my good luck and baby blessings *ima miss the attention..lol* im just so excited right now!! i have nothing to be aggravated about and it feels so good. my mom and K.D are gearing up to get on that road tomorrow to get here to me..man..i miss them.

lately *since i have NOTHING else to do* ive been thinking about why i was so mizzy in Ct. ive started to think it wasnt Ct itself but my financial situation that was bothering me and making me feel less than capable of taking care of the now 2 children i am to have. i dont hate home..its home..its a part of me and its what i know..i figured out what it is that i want to do and got on the phone with the school im interested in yesterday and we spoke about the prerequisite classes id need. i then called my mom and she said once she got here we'd jump on where i can take those classes and get that poppin so id be ready Sept 2008. im excited..i told K.D that i feel like a drag racing car when they are waiting for the green light..rearing up to GO. i have my goals set and im ready to achieve. i figured moving down here to get in school and stay 3 yrs tops and then ill have a thought as to going home or..hey..somewhere else who knows..i just knew for a fact that living in Ct with my own place,a job *or 2*, 2 kids, trying to go to school and of course BILLS BILLS BILLS wouldve caused a nervous breakdown and misery in me. i didnt like the person i was becoming..mean bitchy and couldnt wait to get my hands on a "j" to not think about it all. that feels awesome too..not smoking and what have you..i was getting outta control in my eyes..im glad God removed that out of me.

Feeling real good and cant wait to

MEET MY NEW.....

MySpace Comments

peace until..

My Chi

2007-12-03T17:00:00.000-05:00

Comment Graphics at pYzam.com

hey people..

first let me start by saying i had this CRAZY dream about a mouse turning into a cat and attacking me from behind..i damn near jumped out of my bed and skin!! LMAO!! all i could do was crack the hell up!! guess what touched my back?? my sons foot!! i dont mind pictures of cats but other than that i cant stand the creepy lil thangs..lol..i still find that funny as hell.

Today feels pretty good..for some reason im real mellow. getting the house ready for our new addition, cleaning *somewhat like a maniac*,moving things where i feel they should be..all that good stuff they call "nesting".

trying to complement my feng shui..refusing to let anything or anyone interrupt my flow. in a recent rant i went on about one of me best totally shocking and disappointing me with a crazy assumption..well..i talked to her straight up about it last night *i needed to cool off so i wouldnt spaz* and all is well..i feel so much better to get it out rather than bury it and hold a grudge.
K.D's mom calls and lets me know her daughter *the one that has this "created" issue with me..i slowly figured it out to be jealousy b/c she had NO other reason to feel the way she did towards me* is sending me a bassinet for my baby...the old alyse is like "wtf?? did she sprinkle itching powder all over it?? is it cursed with some kind of omen??"..but instead the fung shui alyse takes over and says "thank you..i guess 2 beds wont hurt *forced and slightly concerned smile*"

my mom is like let all that go they are all still my childrens relatives..i trust my moms opinion but she knows its hard for me to release how i fell when i havent actually heard from the person..the chick is sending messages through other people *grow up already will ya'*..but thats niether here nor there..not f*kin with the feng shui *thanks gnarles barkely*

im loving the calmness im feeling around the house..im so excited for my mom and K.D to get here Saturday!! Cuz when the night falls its ON *as much as it can be given the situation...lol*

well folks 7 days and counting..ima go..kind of feeling some pains..i need to go chill before i cook dinner *fried chicken,corn,and rice..keeping it quick and simple right about now*

peace until...

Friday Fun

2007-11-30T16:03:00.000-05:00

Here is my VERY OWN list of sexy men..i didnt feel like ranking them so its in random form. Trust....

They are SEXXXY..a couple geeks but hey they cuties..

COMMON

I KNOW IVE MENTIONED HIM A TIME BEFORE..I JUST CANT GET ENOUGH OF A MAN WHO IS AWESOME WITH WORDS. IT JUST DOES SOMETHING TO ME

ANDRE 3000

THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT THIS BROTHAHS ACCEPTANCE OF HIMSELF AND HIS "DARE TO BE DIFFERENT" ATTITUDE THAT OOZES SEXXX APPEAL. HE IS ALSO ANOTHER WHOSE WORDS ARE AMAZING AND DEFINITELY THE TRUTH.

BORIS KODJOE

NEED I SAY MORE LADIES?? THIS BRAUN SUBJECT OF MAN IS JUST..MMMM...THATS IT..MMMM

MAXWELL

AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT WANTS THIS MAN TO COME AND SING EVERY SONG HE HAS EVER WRITTEN TO ME IN A PRIVATE ROOM WITH NICE LIGHTING AND SOME FINE CHAMPAGNE...LET LOOSE ON HIS BEHIND FA' SHO'!!

MEL JACKSON

REMEMBER HIM FROM "SOUL FOOD" AND A NUMBER OF OTHER MOVIES?? IM USUALLY A CHOCO-HOLIC WHEN IT COMES TO MEN BUT I KNOW A FINE ONE WHEN I SEE EM'..LADIES..THOSE LIPS!!!

DIJIMON

IS IT BECAUSE IVE DATED AN AFRICAN?? I DONT KNOW..BUT SOMETHING ABOUT THIS MANS DEMEANOR JUST OOZES SOMETHING MANLY AND SEXY...THAT SKIN..HAS ANYONE SEEN AMISTAD?? HE SURE WILL HAVE MY ASS SCREAMIN GIVE US FREE!!!

MICHAEL EALY

THIS MANS EYES ARE LIKE THE OCEAN...ID LOVE TO STARE INTO THOSE EYES.

LUPE FIASCO

ITS SOMETHING ABOUT HIM..MAYBE THE YOUNGSTER IN ME KNOWS ID DATE HIM...IVE LISTENED TO A COUPLE OF HIS INTERVIEWS AND IM FEELING HIS SWAG AND HIS LOVE/STYLE OF HIP-HOP.

IDRIS ELBA

HE WILL NOT BE LEFT OUT OF MY LIST..HE IS SEXY IN THAT "GROWN ASS MAN" WAY.

TYRESE

I GOTTA HAVE MY CHOCOLATE..TYRESE IS A FINE BROTHAH..DRAMA FILLED OR NOT..ID HIT IT..LOL

WELL...THERES MY LIST..HOPE YOU ENJOY AND IM SURE I GOT SOME HEAD NODS AND SOME "OOO YES GURLS".

PEACE UNTIL..........

Me being me

2007-11-29T14:42:00.001-05:00

Some random rants of mine

where to start.....

- i barely hear from you since i left Ct

-i text you..you dont text back..but so much of that i will do

-Im the pregnant one..why am I checking up on you..something in this picture just aint right..my own stupidity i guess

-being that we havent spoken in a while..wtf gives YOU a right to judge a situation between ME and MINE?! when you havent the SLIGHTEST idea as to whats going on.

-ME and MINE have our plans set straight..your uninformed opinion..not needed

-i want to believe its coming from a "sistah gurl" place..but something in my bones is telling me its coming from a "shut the fuck up..you dont know what youre talking about"...place

-wait..did I tell you something i dont remember..nah..i dont think so

-im so disappointed in you i dont know what to think right now

-i wanna call..but i know im still pissed..so ima chill until my mind is clear

-is this coming from the same chick who "didnt give a fuck" about her man possibly giving whats supposed to be hers away???

-and as i recall..I didnt put your business on blast to ANYONE!!

-why call someone else with a concern for ME?!?! im not a crackhead..talking to me will do you fine luv.

-did you really have it in your head that this person wouldnt call me immediately after you caught diarrhea of the mouth??

-i have no patience for people that speak before they know whats really going on

-im still in disbelief that it came from YOU

-Trust me luv...i got this over here..you worry about "mr sensitive in need of affection" slipping whats supposed to be YOURS up in anything cuz hes "lonely" and ill handle mine..ok?? Get it..Got it...Good

-so what i told you how much money i had to buy my son a new game system..that doesnt mean $20 of it goes to yo broke ass..HAHAHA..i think NOT!!

-Whoo!! that last one was too funny!!

-hold up..is it my fault youre broke and youre girl dont want you?? get that together bruh.

-my dude..dont you see this man very obviously flirting with your girl and youre standing right here?? Oh..is that the reason you cheat on her?? Mmkay *giggles to oneself*

-please dont call me with your drama..and i damn is it just that..ive got a lot going on here and i dont have time to be a savior..sorry luv

-did it really take you that long to get to the point of this call?? im hearing crickets as you speak..GET TO THE POINT!!!

-from my view..you seem to get involved with some shady ass dudes..when will you learn??

-DAYUUUM t-mobile!!! im only 1 day late...GEEZ!!

-WTF Disney?!?! why do you have all these non sangin children up here making peoples ears bleed?!?! they all are not triple threats...*shoutout to my son for being the reason i have to hear these ear disasters*

-i swear..all i need is my back blown out and im good..real talk

-Damn Keebler elves for making these blazin ass shortbread cookies *if you dont know now ya know know know know*

-and a quick chuckle at my stalking son everytime he sees me with one..lol..hes too funny and greedy.

-Mmm...the flower on a birthday cake.

-damn i need some mind blowing sex..*crown royal on iiiiicce*

peace until....

K.D and his issues

2007-11-28T15:39:00.000-05:00

Get Funny Pictures at pYzam.com

(sorry bout the cut off pic)

im talking to K.D on the phone last night and all was well until he called his mother a lazy ass. now...ive had my problems with his mom no doubt...but her and i talked it out before i left for Ga and let it rest..so no drama between her and i. she has been battling a drug habit for a very long time and ive been around 5 yrs and have watched her try to quit go to program after program and relapse after relapse. i think by now im in the loop of when shes bullishin and when shes for real. this time y'all i feel real good about it. its just something about her now..she calls me and checks on her grandson and her due soon grandson *she NEVER did that prior*..shes in church most of the week...if not at church at her moms house..shes driving again..her daughters come and hang out with her...her sisters see about her instead of judging her..she got married this past Sept to a good christian man that keeps her leveled and in church...her bills are paid..she doesnt ask K.D for money AT ALL *i asked him*

so...why would K.D be an ASS about one simple thing she didnt do..something he couldve done himself being that he IS 27 yrs old?? it baffles me..so..i called my "rock" my grandmother who was an alcoholic and got clean way before i was born. she told me the reason he is being this way is because he isnt used to having such an independent mom and hes used to her relapsing. bascially hes in recovery too and doesnt quite know how to welcome this new woman God is working on.

i got pissed at him last night and seriously had to hang up with him before it got too out of hand...its like she cant do right..she gets high..shes a "crackhead b*tch and a lazy ass and a no good mother/grandmother"..she not getting high..shes still a lazy ass...people,ive witnessed all of this..i understand the anger i just dont understand the disrespect. i guess being that i didnt have to live through it i wouldnt know..but it pains me to see her actually trying this time and God opening soo many doors that wasnt available to her when HE knew she wasnt ready for it..im happy for her and proud and am wishing her the best in her recovery.

but....

how do i get K.D to see his "new mother"??

how do i get him to open his mind to actually building a mother/son relationship with her??

how do i get him to drop the disrespect??

because if he doesnt respect her...ladies and gentlemen...he wont respect me.

real talk

peace until.....

some thoughts

2007-11-27T15:09:00.001-05:00

wow..i have nothing to rant and rave about. everything is pretty good these days..so can i type about being happy?? lol..i guess i can. things are pretty decent..no bull ish going on in the home...K.D is super excited to get here *cant get none..ima be cut open then stapled shut and on cloud 9 from percocets* so i guess its a good thing hes excited to see his kids and myself..lol..and i miss my mom soo much.

speaking of my mom..i am super proud of this woman..she called this morning and told me she started her Masters program..here i am thinking she was doing that in Jan she springs she started it already!! im so inspired by her..she is truly my hero and an exceptional woman...she has taught me that it is NEVER too late to do what you desire in life..but she does stress to me that she wants me to go soon after Braylon is born and trust me..i have every plan and intention to adhere to what my mama says...she doesnt want me to wait as long as she did.

im 23 and i really see how many sacrifices my mom has had to make to provide for myself and my brother..she is amazing and i have this new found respect for her..ive noticed that me becoming a mother has brought her and i even closer..i learn from her and i really pay attention to the things she says and mistakes she tells me she has made. when K.D was acting stupid it was my mom who helped me stay strong for lil mar and keep focus of why i was doing the things i was..im trying to NOT be one of those women playing the back and forth game with an idiot and in the meantime hurting her children by exposing them to dysfunction..i just so happened to luck out and he started seeing things my way..i guess distance does make the heart grow fonder or makes the blind see..lol..which ever..im just glad he started to see things the way i was..my mom is my queen i love her and have so much respect for her..shes amazing.

i love and adore you mommy.

13 days til me amd my family welcome our little Braylon James!! im soo excited to not be pregnant ever again!!!

SHOTS OF PATRON BAAABEEEE!!!!!

2007-11-23T13:07:00.000-05:00

So?? Is everyone fat and full and still in need of leftovers?

i ate well...im at the point in pregnancy where food isnt all that...dropping this load is my main priority..lol..im more than ready!! but ill chill and just relax these next 17 days..i have no desire to move or go anywhere.
i was going to hit the stores this morning and get good prices on some items for mar and the new one *he already has a name for those who dont know..its Braylon James*...but instead i went the day before thanksgiving because i was in no mood to deal with people and their foolishness on black friday. i got what i needed for both children and im happy so thats all that matters.

***************************************************************************************

Can i just give one of my muscial mentors some praise real quick?? jill scott...do i need to say anymore?? im going to anyway...from the moment ive heard this womans voice i was hooked!! im listening to her latest and it just seems like she cant get any better...shes amazing!! this album is definitely a hit as well as that "i just want to make love and be sexxy" type of album. K.D laughs at how much i idolize this woman..but can you blame me?? shes awesome!! truly a beautifully talented woman that exudes natural beauty and sexiness. lord let me stop sounding like i have a lesbian crush on jill...lol..i just appreciate TRUE talent..music that makes you feel every instrument and note and lyric. when im lost as to what i want to say in writing at times to K.D *i used to just write lil things to him to make him feel ME and how i was feeling at times* id sit and listen to jill and get that inspiration of love she gave in her first album..you felt how much love she felt for her now ex-husband on "Lyzell in E-Flat"..i still cant get enough of that song..shoot..that album..dammit..ALL her albums...lol.

listening to this latest one...some songs remind me of how i much i miss K.D and the time is right around the corner to his arrival...this album is sexual,beautiful, and has so much truth in about troubled relationships as well...highly recommended to all that havent had the change to experience it yet.

Love You Jill...keep it coming.

A question i wanna know from you all...who totally amazes you with their level of talent?? it can be anyone..whoever inspires you.

peace until.....

ENJOY!!!

2007-11-22T07:47:00.000-05:00

HAVE A BLESSED DAY EVERYONE...WE ALL HAVE GREAT THINGS TO BE THANKFUL FOR!!

Eeeek!

2007-11-20T17:40:00.000-05:00

Went to the doc today thinking all was well in my pregnant world..wrong..she tells me im "soft" **that means your cervix and birth canal is getting ready for birth** now those of you that have been with me from the start..i am to have another c-section...never had a vaginal birth. so my doc is like i need to REALLY chill out these next 3 weeks and remain stress free, no cleaning nor too much moving..blah blah blah...i am NOT to labor at all what so ever. im a bit concerned because i dont want my new little one to come into this world and my mom nor his dad havent made it down just yet. they will be here the 7th of December...the fact that im waiting on K.D to send me the money so i may hit the stores and get a bassinet along with other items the baby needs is killing me as well as the fact that the car seat is coming when they come because its been at K.D's simce shamarr grew out of it **good thing we kept it..huh??** his silly behind was supposed to go this morning and put it in my account..he has til tomorrow before i get impatient..hes good with stuff like this so when he hasnt made it i know theres a legitimate reason. 0 stress remember??

anyhoo...wanna know something else i have zero tolerance for?? True ghetto folk!! i cant stand when people feel the dying need to show where they are from no matter where they are..they lack the time and place factor in their brain.
im in the doc office today and of course would be accompanied by 2 ghetto..and when i say ghetto i mean EXTREMELY GHETTO ..cussing in the waiting area...talking about smoking weed before they got there **one is pregnant..due in 2 weeks..yes...told all her business**..coughing up phlem and instead of excusing herself decides to ask through the phlem "wheres the bathroom?" **gross..i know**...laughing loud..talking loud **i couldnt hear my aunt who was trying her damnest to talk my ear off..guees i should thank the hood rats for that one..lol**.
i just dont understand people that act that way...maybe because my mother uprooted us out of the projects at the tender ages of 4 and 1...im glad she did or i might have ended up like Sha-naynay and Asheekahshay...i wish they could see themselves in a clearer light..so unlady like

**Shaking my head** *Deep Sigh*

Just Bloggin...

2007-11-19T21:31:00.000-05:00

Ok...its a known fact to those who know me i am a fan of beyonce, i have the utmost respect for her level of work ethic and ability to somehow someway always deliver an awesome performance...but...WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT LAST NIGHT AT THE AMA's?? Once again..i love and respect all genres of music but sometimes it just dont work when blending 2 together...hence this performance being sure proof of that...i really wanted my girl to trip or fall off the stage to detour our attention to another plunge down some stairs rather than this "challenged" performance. What was Ne-Yo thinking giving rights to Mr Knowles to go out and do foolishness with it?!?! i will never look at "Irreplaceable" the same....EVER!! It was funny beyond belief!!!

On to important things...
*real quick..im not too keen on constantly hitting your child..but i think my son is testing me and im about to get in his ass as we speak..hes been doing this for a while and im ready to turn his brown ass red*

*Ahem*...now..

i was trying to say that im starting to get a little worried about the huge transition i am about to place my son in.
i baby-sat for my cousins 10 mth-old daughter this past Saturday *my Nani-pooh so cute!* everything was fine..mar played with her and helped me take care of her and what have you..until...nani was getting tired and she is still at that age where she wants to be held while she tries to sleep. all hell broke loose...shamarr started kicking the bed,crying real tears,and throwing tantrums. i automatically felt that twinge in my heart asking me "is this the way he is going to act once the new baby arrives?" the boy asked me to put Nani on the floor...he was dead serious...lol...so..i layed her down **on the bed!!my son doesnt have THAT much control over me..lol** took him into my arms and asked was this how hed act when his brother arrived?? would you believe my recently 3 yr old answered me "yes"..i was taken back..i mean..i cant blame him for his honesty..lol..but my goodness!! hes a trip. im hoping with my mom being here for the month of december it will be of help and get him flowing pretty decent with this change...im hoping it goes smoothly **crossing fingers,toes,legs,and anything else i can cross..lol**

ive been thinking...had i gone through with aborting this child im carrying...i wouldnt be making the changes ive started making baby steps toward...maybe i should say huge steps because the first step was leaving Ct **i still look around when im out and about Ga and think to myself "damn..i really left..im here now"**

woow..i have 3 more weeks...i cant wait..tomorrow is my doc appointment and i was looking to go get the kids some things **old navy has some cute ass things for my boys right now...definitely hitting them up**

hmmm...getting kind of tired of typing.

peace until.....

keeping my cool & Fill In The Blank Friday....

2007-11-16T14:00:00.000-05:00

before i have some fun with filling in the blanks..lemme just say that we havent been in this complex a full month yet and im starting to see why so many people have decided to leave shortly after they moved in.

ok..im sitting at the computer,chilling,enjoying the morning to myself before my 3 yr old wakes up and i see something to my left moving around where our trash is outside...i get up and look and its a cat *ok i dont like cats..they freak me out and this one had the audacity to be eating my damn trash* i try to scare the little asshole and it didnt budge *which made opening the door to scare it away out of the damn question*...somehow i get distracted to the right and i see 2 unfamiliar bags from the damn goodwill *real quick people..i dont even know where ANY goodwill in Ga is located let alone the one in my town* and its obviously not mine!! im aggy right about now because who does stuff like that?? that little area is OUR area and i refuse to put anyone elses trash away!! HELL NO!!
so needless to say my brother took OUR trash out and put whoever the unknown trash belonged to in the middle of the walk for them to recognize and pick the hell up before i have to be on watch and get ignant!!!

*deep breathe in..aaaand..one out...okaaaaay*

****************************************************************************************

Now onto something i feel like doing...im cool with being tagged and placing fun things fellow bloggers have you do on my blog so you will get a lil feel of Ms Leesie..lol..cute i know.

Fill In The Blank Friday

1)I have zero tolerance for.... Needy people,ignorance, and low self esteem *i have a friend like that and it annoys me to my core*

2) Two sentences i've said in my lifetime that i wish i could take back are..."you aint shit and youll never be shit" and "your adopted..we found you on the street"

3) The thing I DO NOT LIKE ABOUT Thanksgiving is...grocery shopping everything is GONE!!

4) Extreme attraction ..is one thing i can admit I miss about my ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

5) Using one word to describe my last telephone conversation,id have to say it was... quick

6)My wardrobe...needs revamping

7)ready,horny,bored,anxious...are words that describe how/what im feeling at current

8) Judging from my life as it is RIGHT NOW, if i were to die tomorrow i'd regret that i didnt...pass without fully forgiving those who have hurt me

9) To date, i have broken maybe 1 heart.

10) The last big ticket item i purchased was Ringling Bro Circus for my son

11) Three things i likely wouldnt do on a first date are...give up my goodies,say i love you,get too drunk,

12) Self-pity..is something i just cant undrstand.

13) The fondest memory i have of my childhood is...family reunions, we had a lot of fun back in the day.

14) I think my patience could use some improvement.

15) In a heated argument I am most likely to..go for the jugular, i am very likely to cause pain with my tounge.

16) These fill-in(s) are...quite strenuous, trying to think of so many things can cause a brain-fart

Alright..my brain is officially buzzing..i need a break.

peace until next time!!

heehee ive been tagged!

2007-11-15T13:01:00.000-05:00

ok..this is a first for me..being tagged by a new blog buddy *shout out ms behavin* and i think im ready to have my "meme from another blogger cherry" popped..y'all ready?? here we go:

Four things i like to cook:

baked mac and cheese *Gma from Mobile Alabama style*
fried chicken
baked ziti
homemade french toast *for K.D he loves it*

Four qualities I love in people"

A good listener
Awesome sense of humor *gotta crack me up*
honesty
loyalty

Four places ive been:

*havent traveled the way id like to before i leave this earth but..*
Atl,Ga
Couple parts,AL
Orlando,Fl
Different parts,Va

Four things in my bedroom:

My bed
my journals *should i share that?*
my t.v.
my "toys" *heehee*

Four dirty words i like:

*to hear K.D say or...*
sex talk *put your own caption on that*
What the F*ck?!
Are you sh*tting me?!?
Shut the f*ck up!!
*pretty much the "f" word..which i need to stop before my lil one picks it up*

...now..im assuming she meant her tagged folk to do all of the meme's on her page so...

7 things about Alyse...hmmm...

- i am used to sex on the regular...mad at you or not..i gots to get mine.

- i love to put my own twist on male songs..i create my own version *ive never admitted that..lol*

- i have a fear of roaches and mice and any insect or rodent...i run from them while they are running from me

- one of my fears is failing as a mother and my kids dont go to college and make excellent men out of themselves *WHOO!! that just gave me a shiver*

- i really enjoy singing and was on my way to pursuing it when i found out i was pregnant again..i was looking for vocal coaches and everything.

- i love furniture shopping!! its so much fun!!

- i have a hard time getting over things *k.d's sister has disrespected me many times and i still envision beating her over the head with a blunt object..but ive taken the mature way out...left the damn state..lol*

alrighty...may have been a lil whack but it will get better trust me!!

be back later!!

apartment woes

2007-11-15T00:10:00.000-05:00

(Lord help me face)

-why is it 12:10 a.m. and foolish people are literally stomping over my head!!!!

-really...must i hear your love for john legend early in the morning??

-do you realize you dont own your apartment and people live under,on the side and around you???

-invest in a house and you may party like a rock star all you want...for real

-are you home??? why are your children running a muck like its a playground up there?? tame they asses will you!!

-do i need to hook our stereo system up..get ghetto and blast YOUR ass out of comfort??? for real?? shall we go there??

-do your kids attend school?? the way they jump and jive around they sound big as hell!!

-make me get old school and bang my broom on my ceiling to see if you catch my drift.

-y'all better calm this ish down and get it out your system before my newborn gets here...cuz it will be ON if you keep at this speed..i have zero tolerance for ignorance!!!

-YOU LIVE IN A COMPLEX!!!! WTH IS YOURE ISSUE?!?!?! WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THE MOST CONSIDERATE PERSON AT THIS MOMENT!!!

HOOOSAAAAH....i had to release that. i have very inconsiderate upstairs neighbors that insist on letting this entire complex know what theyre doing and when theyre doing it...i have been chillen but i am close to complaining although i have this eery feeling that the people i will be complaining to might send me into labor a few weeks early...so ima chill...my newborn and my health is more important than protesting against ignorance..this complex is too nice for this mess...i mean dang...cant get away from ridiculous people no matter how hard you try.

UGH!!!

mama,i still wanna sing.

2007-11-11T13:51:00.000-05:00

im sitting here surfing the web..looking for furniture for the new place and listening to stevie wonder..one of my fav songs of his would be "ribbon in the sky". for as long as i can remember, my mother had alot to do with that..she told me long ago that whenever she was to marry she wanted me to sing that song..i was younger then and i made it my business to learn it word for word rift for rift note for note *you get my point*.
ive always adored music and singing so much..but for some odd reason i was terribly shy..id literally have my little brother *who couldnt and still cant sing a lick*stand with me and id sing..i soon realized that if this is something i wanted to do..he couldnt stand by my side the entire time..so i let fear set in and i muffled my dreams.
i get angry with myself when i see people doing what i have dreamed of for so long..i used to feel like my dreams are over because instead of pursuing them i became a mom. but then a voice says to me "you can do whatever whenever" and it eases that dreadgul dead dream feeling.
needless to say..i still want to share my voice and gifts God has given me..no matter how he wants me to do it...my aunt *shes kind of the family wierdo..lol* has said to me repeatedly that im not going to do the music I wanna do *r&b and whatnot* but ill get into gospel..i dont care as long as im fulfilling my desire to sing and release.
thats what music of all kinds do for me..i have my personal opinion of my ex-idol yolanda adams but i still looooove her first album "through the storm" i cant get through one of those songs without filling up with so much emotion..that tells me the gift i have received is so powerful and is definitely connected to my emotions.
i really want to do something..eventually..music is my drug and when i cant release a note or two i feel confined..its weird..cant really explain it.

*mmm...just switched into some maxwell..soo soothing*

Fill In The Blank Friday

2007-11-09T19:27:00.000-05:00

1. When it comes to matters of the heart, i have a bad habit of...giving too much of myself too soon, i give what isnt deserved way too soon.

2. If ever I were to consider getting (a)nother tatoo,the body part i would most likely put it is...somwhere on my upper back.it would be of my 2 babies handprints w/ thier names somewhere in the mix b/c i know they will always have thier mommies back..not too big though i want it classy

3.A profession (besides my current),that i would love to have is...Singer thats been my secret passion for as long as i can remember i found this tape of me when i was 8 yrs old singing "i will always love you" and it brought back so many memories of how music has made me feel and the emotion that singing has had over me from the start.

4. I am most confident in my ability to...keep positive even when the worse has emerged..i refuse to feel so down i cant get myself back up i am a firm believer that all stress and misery is self created..so is happiness..i chose happiness.

5. If I could be granted any three wishes I would ask for...my house paid off before attending school so id only have to worry about bills...school paid off..and id give the last one to my mom for whatever she wanted.

6. Two questions i would ask President Bush (if given the opportunity) are...now call me whack but ive lost all patience w/ this man and his antics so i have no idea what would come out of my mouth if he was to be in front of me...i change the channel when i see him and i may be wrong for this and should be a bit more intune b/c he has destroyed so much..but i just dont get into politics and all that..he sucks i want nothing to do with him besides waiting patiently til his term is up and we never have to deal with his slow ass again.

7. I think I have a great...sense of humor and sense of self worth.

8. The last man/woman to catch/hold my attention did so because..he had a beautiful mind,so smart and driven.

9. I certainly wouldnt mind..time to move a bit faster

Feeling Excited About my Revealation

2007-11-09T18:46:00.000-05:00

No...im not gleefully cheesing because of the food behind me..lol..im feeling this way because ive been thinking. ive been in a pretty jacked situation since May of this year and i havent allowed myself to revel in it. im not one of those people that look at the spot in life they are in and get all mizzy about it. im the type of person who realizes what parts where my fault...and in this case it was all my fault and it was also God calling to me.
i was doing silly stuff...not so much partying b/c no matter what i part took in my son was always on my mind and number 1..but id smoke alot of weed when i say alot i mean alot...i looked at it as my escape. i was trying to not think of my unhappiness so id roll it up and blow it away. but all the while i heard this voice constantly telling me "youre ruining the voice i gave you...your mother is going to smell it shes not dumb...or...what are you doing? this isnt you why are you doing this to yourself?..i thought GA and school where next on your list?? not being a weedhead" and boom..i was pregnant..i didnt know what to do. should i abort it?? i sat in that office with this huge weight of guilt on my shoulders...they called my name..i go back there but i didnt have all the m0ney so i turned right back around got in the car and went home feeling somewhat releaved *that voice agian* "thats not what you wanted to do anyway...ive instilled in you something more...now run with it instead of trying to run away...thats not how i made you"
that voice started to make sense of who it was to me...it was God..he knew i didnt know how to stop the habit i created so he put another child in me to stop me..thats the only way i would. once i knew i was pregnant and it was to stay...my sessions stopped,my eyes opened,and i was packed and on a bus to GA by the end of August.
my point is..i have alot to be happy about because God really knows what hes doing...had he not chosen me to give birth again id still be workin at Masonic not really liking that place and smoking my brain cells away to try and forget the misery i was feeling.
now..i feel good *even though im broke and basically starting from scratch* i feel like if this is what it took for him to open my eyes and see what i was doing...then fine..im learning to budget money..im learning i can buy that new album later off itunes..when my funds are sufficient and says i can do so..now..im living for 2 human beings who will change my world and its totally up to me to change theirs and give them the life my mom wanted for my brother and me.
im so focused right now and i refuse to let anything or anyone detour me...not happening. i thank God for giving me the spirit he has..an undefeated spirit..cuz i wont be defeated.

Brightens My Day w/ the Best Smile Ever...

2007-11-09T00:54:00.000-05:00

This is my love right here...Shamarr...i look at my son and all he has to do is smile and my day is so much brighter. he has the brightest happiest smile ive ever seen!!
Of course,as a child,he has those moments where he drives me nuts and i have to pull back from losing my God given mind,but thats all a part of motherhood and im proud to be one..im proud to have created such a beautiful being who i grow daily with so much love for him i dont know what to do but hug and kiss him because my heart is so swollen with all the love i feel for him.
i know he'll be a great big brother..im a lil nervous hes going to go through being a bit jealous because he wont have my total attention..but he will know my love for him will never ever change..he is my first born that feeling never changes..it just grows.
i remember when they took him out and i heard his first cry...i was so overjoyed i began to cry..i was so emotional and excited to get my first glance at the little being that had kept me up nights watching Nick at Night because he wanted to roll around in my belly...the little person that didnt like me to eat salami *id instantly be making a b-line for the bathroom*
i thank God i get to experience this feeling again..he must know i have alot of love to give. *i wonder if he knows 2 is good for me..i dont think i can handle as many as Gma did..she had 11...not my cup of tea thank u*

i love my son *big smile*

Cant wait to welcome his brother into this world.

goodnight folks

TMI Tuesday

2007-11-06T18:12:00.000-05:00

1.) Do you believe in ghosrs? If so, have you ever seen one?

I believe there are unsettled spirits walking this earth...have I ever encountered any?? No...my ass would be so shook it wouldn't even be funny...lol. I believe in order to see them you have to be open to it.

2.) What's the scariest movie you've ever seen?

Ever since the age of three years old I've been terrorfied of Freddy Crugar..wanna hear a story?? Here goes...we used to live in the projects up until I was 3 or 4 yrs old. I was in my bed trying to sleep when I heard shooting outside...I got up and flew into the living room where my grandmother and my aunt stacey were watching a movie...after I told my grandmother what happened *she kinda figured what scared the hell outta me..she heard it too* I looked at the t.v and almost had a damn panic attack at 3 yrs old...I saw Freddy and his weird scary glory and hauled ass to I don't even remember where!! Ever since then I don't do scary movies at all...I would say Freddy is the scariest for me..I still won't look at his movies..*shiver*

3.) If you where given a house for free,would you accept it if it were haunted?

Ummm...hell no...I watch this show called "A Haunting" on the Discovery Channel and that doesn't seem like a good look..they are usually angry as hell about something and don't want yo ass up in there.

4.) If you where given a house for free, would you accept it if the last person who lived there had been murdered?

Once again..something Ive seen on the show...a family moved into a house where a guy was brutally murdered he was shot and set on fire. The family had a teenaged daughter who stayed in the room where the entity remained..he gained an obssession w/ the daughter and literally was trying to keep her in that house..he was doing all kinds of crazy things to the house and whatnot.The family asked for help from a priest and paranormal experts..the paranormal experts picked up on the entity saying "I want the girl" and the priest had told them it wasn't safe there....with that being said hell no!!

5.) What was your favorite costume you wore for Halloween?

When I was 4 I was a witch...I was the cutest little witch..other than that I don't part take in all that. I don't have a sexy vixen at a party story..sorry..lol

*Bonus* What's your most memorable Halloween moment?

All mine come from childhood. We had a huge party at my moms friends house b/c they lived in this old house and it had a ridiculous amount of space so they created a haunted house upstairs and party downstairs. We had a blast..I was a pirate and my brother was a prisoner..lol..cute

meme monday

2007-11-05T18:59:00.000-05:00

I almost forgot about meme monday...

Monday Meme 41 : 2006-04-02 : Spring Forward

1. List 3 things you like about spring:

- A beautiful sunny day. There's nothing like the gentle breeze and fresh air of a s

Spring day.

- Spring wear. I love getting dressed in the Spring..everything is so colorful and lite.

And.....

- Taking walks w/ my son. Spring has wonderful weather when it is not raining..going out to the park for play and walks w/ my son is my idea of a great spring day.

2. List 3 things you hate about spring:

-Rainy days

- Allergy flares

-Spring is my fave season next to Fall...that would be all I dislike about it.

3. Do you set your clocks forward in the spring? Do you think it is a good idea?

I set it to the time its supposed to set at...I don't want to be the only one off track...lol...you're off track if you don't know what time it is...lol.

4. Do you have allergies in the spring? Do you take any allergies medications?

Lately...no..my allergies have left me alone for quite some time..but when they did flare up..oh was it ugly. I'd take Claritin, Allegra,and Flonase.

5. What are you looking forward to the most this spring?

Getting my boys and myself dressed...I love Spring clothes. Mama stay fly so you know my babies wil be on point as well.

I was the 5,920th person to take this week's Monday Meme!

Some Bull In Ct...

2007-11-05T11:14:00.000-05:00

Some random thoughts going on in my mind...got 2 friends going through some nonsense *love em both dearly but they know me....I voices my opinion when needed...some other thoughts as well..lemme know if you get confused..I'm kind of all over the place:

-Sometimes being nice gets you nowhere...gotta think of yourself.

- You gotta $3g gas bill...NO ONE needs to be occupying your household for free til you get YOUR ish together..I'm just saying.

- Hold up...I thought you asked me if YOU could stay?? Not yo broke ass man as well!! Oh HEELLL NOO!!

- No woman should EVER allow another woman as well as that womans man to stay up in her house!!! PERIOD!!! Anybody watch Maury?!?!

-You work...but he doesn't!!! Are you shitting me?! And besides...a weekend turned into 2 wks...there's something wrong w/ this picture...help me out y'all.

- I just woke up at 10 gotta be to work by 3.... why am I loking at your man dead seriously knocked out in my living room like he had a rough nite???

- No he didn't complain about the lack of ketchup in MY house....sir..where you invited?? And get the hell outta my kitchen??

-Why is he telling me you alls problems?? You aint getting the love you claim you lack from me!! GET OUT MY HOUSE!!!

-*me talking* Trying to be a good friend w/o getting in the middle...you need to tell they asses they got to go...you got bigger fish to fry...real talk.

- I told you to make a key for YOU so I can stop leaving my door open...what would possess you to give it to his ass??

- Ummm...I just moved into my apartment...what would give you balls to call me the day I move in and ask if you could stay a couple weeks?? I think not!!

- And you have no money to contribute to this household I just struggled to get into...I'm sorry but that's not gonna fly..bills have to be paid mouths have to get fed.

- Sometimes its hard to talk to people w/ no motivation..I've learned your words just might have an impact...encourage people..it makes you feel more intune w/ others.

- K.D!!! Hurry!!! I'm in need to be layed down something serious!!! These dreams are killing me!!!

- Dec 10th is a blink away and I'm more than excited to meet my new widdle one!! Braylon James!!

This situation w/ my friends is a crazy one people...I love both these girls and have been doing an outstanding job of staying out of it *feels even better I'm 1000 miles away* I'm not taking sides in anyway...I don't agree w/ my man stayin w/ me at any other females residence its unethical in my eyes..not that I don't trust them..I wouldn't put myself in that Maury situation at any given time. But like I said in my rant...sometimes being nice gets you walked all over. There's a difference between being nice w/ a spine and being point blank spineless...ya know?? You gotta have set rules when allowing someone to stay at your place or you'll wind up all jambled like this situation.

Peace until next time

I Wanna Kiss....

2007-10-29T16:35:00.000-04:00

I'm in need of a nice intense sensual deep kiss....so to make myself feel better...I decided to play around and take a lil quiz:

Your Kisses Are Medium-Hot

Your kisses are definitely sexy, but you're not about to make anyone gasp for air.
You take it slow and steady... and you ramp things up when you get the right signals.
Your kissing style is adaptable and adept. And people who kiss you love it!

How Hot Are Your Kisses?

Hmmm...little quiz aint lying....lol...my kisses are very HOT!!

2007-10-26T18:46:00.000-04:00

I decided to have a lil fun and answer some *most recent*TMI Tuesday questions.

Here Goes....

1) What are your 7 favorite things that turn you on? (Sex,like oral or penetrative cannot be an answer) Ex: silk,light tickling ect)

Hmmm....7....ok..
-Kissing someone K.D's sexy lips...I love juicy lips and a man that knows what to do with them...Mmmm..I love my bottom lip to be sucked on...I've been told I have a rather irresitable bottom lip.
-I love hand massages...someone to unexpectantly take my hands and start caressing them and massaging them quietly...not saying a single word..sounds weird but its something about that touch that does something to me
-The way someone interested in you looks at you in that "I want you" way....I have a thing for silent actions and reading someones eyes..you don't have to say much your eyes do a lot of talking if you let them.
-I love to feel my mans touch on my hips...I'm curvy and well aware of it..and I just love for my man to enjoy the feel of my hips.
- I love for my man to tell me how attracted he is to me and what he'd like to see me in to turn him on...that gets me going too.
-Slight teasing and touching...leading up to what you really came to do.
-Defintley music...I love me some Teddy P....Luther...Marvin....Isley Bro...Keith Sweat...Rick James "BITHCH"....R.Kelly (Seems like you're reeeeaaaaady!!) and so much more....I'm a huge music lover...that can get you all hot n bothered by itself!!!

2) What are your non-genital errogenous zones and what do you like about them?

-My neck...I like to be kissed lightly on my neck...it sends chills up and down my spine.
-I love to have my mans arms wrapped around my waist and he play with the small of my back...just lightly run your fingers around that area and slowly down to my booty and cup it and caress it! That turns me on!

3) What sounds get you sexually charged?

-When my man tells me he likes what I'm doing and he lets out a little moan that men hate to have slip out....I know I'm doing something very well when that happens.
-When we are in a room full of people and he whispers what he wants to do when we leave the company of those people....my imagination is running by then.

4) After losing your virginity, what is the longest you've gone w/o penetrative sex?

Being that the guy I lost my "V" to wasn't my boyfriend...he was a flow and I wanted to get it over w/...I waited about a year or so and met my first real boyfriend and we got it in...he was the first to make me nut and he was the biggest I've seen up until K.D...OMG!! Hmmm....wonder how he's doing these days?? LOL

5) What is your least favorite sexual position? Why don't you like it?

I really don't have a least favorite....I really enjoy the entire act and love to be flipped around into different positions...I'm very adventorous...love my hair to be pulled.

BONUS (optional) If you could sexually dominate or submit to 5 people,any 5,current or deceased,which 5 would they be?

Oooo...good one..

Commom (submit)- that man just turns me on...he's what I'd want in my dream man!! I'd want him to write something just for me...recite it to me...and do whatever he wanted to me!!

My first boyfriend (dominate)- I was so innocent and sweet when we had our little thang going..he took control because I hadn't a clue....I'm totally tuned in now...he'd be completely satisfied! I'd love to see his reaction at the huge difference!

Hmmm...who else??

Denzel Washington (dominate)- I'd make him yell "KING KONG AINT GOT NOTHING ON ME!!"...lol...I'd love his cool demeanor to transform into the character Alonzo from Training Day...and tear my ass up!! He was sexy as hell in that movie..MmMm!

Tyrese (dominate..he seems like he needs it) *I really hope the rumors of homo sexuality and beating his woman are not true* because with all that aside...those lips and that skin could get it!! I love dark chocolate men...turns me on just by site!!

Last but not least....

Mike Vick (submit) *I support Mike!!* he's a sexy man..yeah *mind wandering*...we could get it in!! He aint getting near my pit though...lol..nah I'm playing!

******************************

That was fun and made me think...just might do it again next week.

But...things are moving right along..I made the date for my C-Section...its Dec 10th at 7a.m. Can't wait to meet my new little one.

I spoke with K.D and really let him in on the truth about my feelings towards his plan. It made no sense...he was saying he was coming for a week when Braylon was born and wasn't returning til June 2008. Let me repeat that in case you missed it...JUNE 2008!!! Did he really think I was going to sit around and wait on him?? Nah..he couldn't think that! But he did and I couldn't pretend anymore...he has 2 responsibilities down here why would he jepordize his relationships with the 2 of them due to some nonsense fear he has??

Needless to say, a few days to let it in sink in,he calls, drops the disrespect *starting to feel that's a crazy ass defense mechanism*..he tells me the truth about his fears and why his plan was so outrageous...we talk like civilized folk and his entire plan changed!! I was in so much shock I barley had much to say!! He jumped from June to Jan and realizes buying a new car can be done when he gets here!! There must be some fat ass pigs flying because I never thought the day would come that he and I would actually see eye 2 eye and he'd understand my point of view...but it happened and I'm still willing to give it a try. He's the only person I'm this willing with.

No matter how many times I've tried to tell myself I'm over him and his drama...lately things feel normal again...our convo is the way it used to be...laughter...cutting eachother off with simular funny stories...baby needs...lil mar needs..family update exchanges...just the way we were..Alyse and Shamarr...diffierent but so in love with eachother.
Maybe we do have a chance...not sure..but I'm willing to try.

*sigh* Love.....

addiction n stuff

2007-10-21T22:42:00.000-04:00

Tonite on MTV is a special about "really grew into himself and morphed into a fine young brother" R&B singer Mario and his heroin addict mother.

This special brings some feelingsup for me and how I really empathized with my K.D and his simblings. It also made me sit back and appreciate my mother and how something so tragic could have been a part of my life but it wasn't because I was blessed with a strong mother.

The only difference is our genetic addiction is alcohol *my mother is such a litewieght its hilarious*. It just made a twinge *very small* of feeling rise and I thought of K.D.

Buuut anyhoo! I'm considering taking a break from sex *not like I've had any lately being away from where I'd get some for 2 mths now* but I'm starting to think that focusing on my kids & myself just might do my mind good *even though my body is craving something long hard and juicy....quick freaky thought...aaaand I'm back*.

I feel like that's what complicated things with K.D because he's been my go to guy when I was in need for "some good extra loving". And now that he's not here...I'm able to disect our relationship to its core *even though what he got "swanging" is my weakness* I'm glad my weakness isn't here to make me weak.

Aint nothing wrong with hittin a freaky storeup...hmmm....rather soon.

So random....lol!

K.D. Drama as usual

2007-10-20T21:11:00.000-04:00

One of my 2 very best friends said something that totally caught me of guard a while ago.
We had a convo about unhappiness in a relationship and I told her *as the good friend I like to call myself* about some dirt I had on her man *NOTE TO ALL: I AM NOT A MEDLER THIS GIRL HAS BEEN MY FRIEND SINCE 1997...ITS 2007 YOU DO THE MATH* let me just add that I don't jump at any slight thought of something shady going on,I wait for consistency and trust me this damn fool was quite consistant. So...we are talking and she says to me "Nobody fucks me as good as he does,so I don't give a fuck". Now, I love this girl like family, but that made me think.
Am I stuck on K.D? Or am I stuck on K.D dick game?
*Confused ones...once again K.D is my Kids Dad*
I've said this before....we don't seem to connect on much but once we get it in...we gets it in....ok? No complaints what so ever!

But when it comes to me needing more than a mutual sex maniac he just doesn't do it for me. I'm in a new state of mind and I truly feel I've out-grown him. A part of me is hurting from it and the other part has had it with his ignorance.
He's the kind of guy who didn't really get guidance from his mother or any motherly figure for that matter on how to treat a woman especially one you claim to love due some personal situations I chose to respect on his familys behalf.

I've been with this guy for 4 1/2 yrs and he hasn't improved one bit. I feel he has a mistrust due to the problems he's had with his mother and I,being the first woman he claims he's given his heart to, get mostly the anger and disrespect. And recently, when I've seriously had enough because I've always enabled him by feeling sorry for him and whatnot, I decided "eff this I'm out" found me a lil friend,I call him "Seatfiller" cuz I was still in love w/ K.D, that's when the gentle yet angry and hurt side came out....still disrespectful because he is a product of his environment....but so desperate I felt I finally struck the nerve I intended on striking.

From there it was back and forth and sometimes cool sometimes aggravating to the point "Seatfiller" wasn't too far from receiving a phone call.

Here I am again appalled by him and too through with his lack of common respect for others feelings at times. To be a person with such potential to be different and step out the box and live a fulfilling life he totally has that "ghetto mentality" about a lot of things and I'm so not that woman to tolerate it.

I can't see me living happily with this guy. I unfortunately see a seed of disaster being planted and sometimes feel he resents me for being who I am. I've never had a low self-esteem as far as who I'd be in my future,he just never thought as far as I did or as high rather. I have hopes and dreams and goals and my babies will be my motivation...they will keep me on my toes and I'll see them grow day by day not missing a beat. He's going to miss out on the beauty that is the children we've created together all because of fear. Fear to grow,fear to change...I'm past that....got past it when I packed my things andlleft Connecticut.

So what's a woman in training to do? I'm feeling let it go because you can't change a person that has no desire to change. I know what I want out of this life and I know what I want out of love. It just won't be shared with K.D.

He doesn't know what he's doing to my babies.

this too shall pass....

2007-10-17T12:55:00.000-04:00

Lord knows school is next on my agenda!!

Living here in GA in the situation I am in has made me so very ready and quite regretful of the fact that I decided school "wasn't for me". That had to be the dumbest thought to ever process itself into my gorgeous brain. I look back on how I was just being stubborn and afraid of what the future held.

What brings this on?

I am in College Park Health Department for a WIC appointment like most mothers in my sit' do to make things a lil bit easier until I'm on my feet.

There is nothing but non sense around me...

A woman who keeps "poppin" her no older than 9 mth old daughter for no reason in my eyes.

They had me sitting in the wrong area for over and hr after I asked was I in the correct area!

The employees seem to be more interested in my jewelry than taking care of what I need from them!

There's a woman sitting next to me ignoring her screaming child because her grown ass has a belly ache!!

You have to listen hard as hell for your name to be SCREAMED from the back room because you are hearing "MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!!!" as well as a young boy very concerned about his mothers minutes on her phone and watching my black ass on my SK3...telling his mother his young ass wants a $300 phone....boy please.

I've been here since 9:45 and it is now 1:08...I am 7 mths pregnant and hungry as all hell!!

SCHOOL IS NEXT ON MY AGENDA!!!

*Some good news!*

We got the place in Stockbridge...beautiful apartment...brand new everything!! BADAH BAH BAH BAH.....I'm loving it!!

ATNM

2007-10-12T14:41:00.000-04:00

- Am I the only one who feels like karma slapped the hell out of bianca on ANTM?! Granted the cut does do her a bit justice...but if you don't feel that way on the inside it seeps through. I thought she handled it rather well...but I still feel like this should be an eye opener!! Stop treating people like crap and you'll get far!!!

-My girl Seliesha *shoot...I forgot how to spell her name!* played herself thinking shed never be in the bottom 2....sadly mistaken my love! Never say never....didn't anyone ever teach you that lil saying? Oh well....shed better step her eye gameup and connect with the camera cuz besides Heather...I'm rooting for her...she's too cute!

-That damn "Yalie"....over-thinking everything possible...she is obviously not an artistic person being that she couldn't wrap her mind around the concept of the photo shoot....I thought it was a rather interesting interesting shoot. Hmm....what kind of plant would I be??

That's all for now....

nothing special

2007-10-08T19:53:00.000-04:00

I am very happy these days! My mommy and my brother are finally here!! I feel a whole lot better!! I was feeling kinda lonely and since they've been here I just feel alive.

Things wil definitely get into motion being that the cars here now. No more relying on unreliable people who are too detatched from reality to call yourself depending on. I'm not used to needed anyone and I couldn't be happier the car has made its way here and my independance is restored!!

Sad to say my mommy will be leaving on Sunday *pouting like a brat* I'm majorly attached to mi madre if you can't tell by now. But we are going to check this apartment out....didn't mention things fell through with the one I really wanted..but oh well.

I watched Tyras show today and they were talking about women and porn. Of course they had a split panel of "anti-porn" women and women who didn't mind it. Being that talking to the television isn't a way to get your point across because lets face it..no ones going to hear or answer my crazy ass..I wanted to speak my opinion:
I personally don't mind porn *I prefer black porn..if that's what we call it* I watch it with my kids dad he's the only person I'm comfortable enough with. Its keeps things fun and shoot...I learn something from the freaky people that get paid for having sex. Im a rather sexual person and I wouldn't consider myself as raunchy because I do enjoy porn.
Her to each his own...ill take my porn and get what I gotta out of it.

That's all I got for today...not much going on that I'd like to spill out.

Lata!

back and forth

2007-10-04T22:57:00.000-04:00

Funny how lately a lot of my feelings towards "you" have been hidden deep within my layors. "You" used to know my every thought..wore every emotion on me like clothing. Ever since I've opened my mind to the life and love I deserve "you" became a bit of a distant memory..the way I thought I used to feel was questioned...every moment spent..every word spoken..every letter/poem written was a question to me. The way "you" used to be is not the "you" I know now..guess comfort sets in and true feelings get tangled along the way. The me that I am now is not the me I was then..but as a growing woman/mother that is so far fetched from a man.. See..my difference is a difference of growth and gaining more knowledge to help me in this world of ours whereas "you" remain in this state of stunted growth. And yet....I'm still in love with "you".

sweet victory

2007-10-01T17:08:00.000-04:00

I'm so excited!! I could do flips! Cartwheels! Bank hand springs! Uhhh...not so much w/o breaking something.

I got the apartment I have been praying sooo hard on!! THANK YOU JESUS...YOU LOVE ME YOU REALLY LOVE ME!!!! I could shout to the world right now...this means so much to me!! Now..if I'm like this over my first apartment..stay tuned when I purchase my first house!!

I'm on a natural high right now and it feels awesome. All my patience and all my positivity has paid off!!
I knew I'd be fine..I knew it..

This is only the beginning.....

hella ballz.....

2007-09-30T23:12:00.000-04:00

I know I posted already today...but I gotta get this off my chest.

*its 11:15...I'm usually out for the count by now*

My phone has been nonstop since what? Bout 9 sumthn? Of course its my K.D *kids dad...for slow folk I'm not in the "babydaddy"crew* but anyhoo...this guy won't stop calling...I'm silencing the dayum calls...y? Cuz I aint got a dayum thing to say to his narrow blck azz!!
I'm trying to peacefully scope out some lip goodies on BNBWorks website on my good ol sidekick...and this niggro keeps interupting me!!

So....I finally just say the hell with it and pick up the flagnabit phone and to my surprise.....HE HAS NO CONVO FOR ME!!! What was ya point of calling?! You have zero apologies for being a cunt *I know...ewww..heehee* 3 days ago....you never admitt to your wrong doing so why...oh why!! would I have a normal convo w/ you?

That's the thing....he's going on like I didn't tell him he and I where a dead issue...know harsh feelings...I just don't take well to disrespect...dudes like him do what you allow and my wonderful people...I'm in a different state of mind...I've had it with ghetto small minded niggros who think they owe somethin to "the hood"...huh?...you lose me everytime that comes out ya mouth. It did nothing but turn you into a hideous person *not intended for the small percentage that make it out alright b/c they have the DESIRE to...he's not on yall level trust me*
But errumm.....I'm at a complete hault for words...thank God the phone he called from died cuz it was like talking to my sperm doner.....dead air.....*crickets*

*deep sigh* had to vent that real quick

todays events....

2007-09-30T15:58:00.000-04:00

Where do I begin...

I went to church today with my aunt WCCI to be precise *Creflos church..the one where everyone tries to scare you outta going because they supposedly ask for your W2 forms and have ATMS and blah blah* that's all funny to me because it usually comes from people that have never been there. Its my 3rd or 4th time there and they haven't asked me for a thing nor do they have an ATM machine anywhere in sight.

But anyhoo..being in the state of mind I've been in I totally need the word of God so I've been going and Creflo definitely tells you things you need to hear..no complaints from me Cref'. But he wasn't there this service I was introduced to his wife Taffi *my Lord what names..match made in heaven Creflo and Taffi..lol j/p * and I found myself half listening to her. She doesn't have that pizazz that Cref has to make you listen...she stutters a bit much and it throws you off *I have cousins that have stuttering probs nothing against anyone who does..just not meant for public speaking...figgadill me?* but I felt like I got something from her just not what I get from Cref...he feels like he's talking directly to me and really makes me feel a whole lot better *I'm very aware that that's God working through him on me..and its def working...I feel it*

My time was cut short with Ms Taffi due to a misbehaving almost 3 yr old that I bore. I couldn't believe how he was acting today. We literally had to leave about an hr early and I was livid. I lit his but up when we got home...took his toys...and disconnected the video game. Peeps, I'm dead serious,my son plays video games and knows what he's doing without any help. So I called myself doing something by taking it all away for unacceptable behavior. I explained why these things were happening,not like he gave a crap or anything I just like to think I'm doing what I have to to keep him on the right track. Yes?

He's cool now and I'm hella hungry...can't wait for the food to be done.

I'm feeling real positive right now...I'm glad this weekend is over b/c I'll soon hear the status of the apartment I've been scoping *Haaaayyyy*
I've been told claim it and its yours..I'm claiming it and believing its mine. Ill feel even better when I hear those words..I'm so focused and ready to get my new life in motion..I see great things happening for me and foundation *mom and lil bruh Jay*. Moms starting on her Masters degree and I'm so excited and nervous b/c she stresses so bad w/ school..but I know shell be fine she always is in the end.

My special ed father had the nerve to call me and was so nervous it was dead air for a hot second *giggle*...but whatev..I told him I don't have time to sit around and dwell on his drama.. I told him the point of me leaving Ct was to get the hoollahay away from him and everything else that caused me agony there. And trust me..he cause a lot of my stress..him and Mar Sr..I've let them both go for now cold turkey *no shakes though...crawling skin maybe..HA!!* All is well though I won't let gravity hold me down..I'm an air sign we meant to fly!!
LIBRAS STAND UP!!! *what the hell alyse?? lmao*

I'm such a Libra....Go from 1 extreme to the next!

2007-09-29T09:44:00.000-04:00

Hola! What's good and how the hell are ya?!
I literally was up 5:11 this morning thinking about all these things,so I put them in the planner part of my phone to remind myself to put it in my blog...here goes:

What the hell was Adrienne Curry thinking? I'm like maybe I won't justify anything she is saying with a response but with that much ignorrance she needs a tounge slap! Obviously she hasn't fully educated herself on the history of African Americans nor Americans for that matter! Did she even mention that white folk wasn't even supposed to be here? That they took it from the Indians and have basically been fucking with everyone else of another race since then? They had a huge habit of coming to other continents and countries messing with the people. I think she needs to have a seat,shut her unintellegent mouth,and do some mindless modeling...for real. I think she's bored she needs to try some "go sees" and find a job! Stop trying to be the spokeswoman for silly ass white folk! Ugh! *not a racist every race has some silly ass people in it*

I was lying in bed thinking about how I have forgotten so many things and realize your brain isn't in full active mode when you're preggers. I can't remember how to spell words I used to have no problem with! Now,I wonder if that's because I'm lacking school attendance or my preggers status? Now I'm confused :( I have faith that I will be in school soon and ALL my knowledgable words will return to me along with brand new ones! But seriously I was trying to remember things from right before I got pregnant and its a blur! I'm like am I slow,is my memory leaving me? I need my memories! They're important! But whatev,maybe they'll come back after my new sweetie is born.

I watched the Wendy Williams Experience on VH1 and made me miss home sooo much. She's not sindicated here in Ga and it hurts! She's my guilty pleasure! I know she says some foul ish at times but she's hilarious and the people that call in are hilarious!! Next mission after furnishing my place: get satellite radio for my car and crib cuz I just googled that she's on satellite radio!! WooHoo!! For real, I neeeed my Wendy fix!! I'm used to hearing her crazy butt..she keeps me laughing when I don't wanna!! WENDY COME BACK TO ME!! Lol!

She had my boy Kanye on there recently and he is too funny! He was slightly intoxicated,to his own confessing,and had me cracking up after the interview! I love love love Kanye even though he has his "diva moments" like he said they are usually a build up of other things,like when you argue with your man/girl and someone comes and says the wrong thing they feel the raft of what was in your head. So the MTV spazz out was a build up of things...he wasn't being a complete ass and i believe him.Thank God for my lil brother I don't have to worry about not having his cd b/c he uploaded it to our Itunes,so Im good. But anyway, like I always say the talented ones are usually a lil cooky.

My baby brother will be here sometime next week I can't wait I miss him sooo much!!! Ill feel so much better once he's here. I'm super close to him and my mom,this month has been killing me! My mom will be here for good in Dec,the first week to be exact. I'm having another C-Section so ima need my mommy.

*Life after love/My Ideal Man...is there such a thing? Even if there isn't I'm still making a "Joan List"*
Here goes:

-Artistic
-Gentle
-Raised correctly
-Loves to please his woman at any cost
-Enjoys children *no pedi's..ill killya..I'm deadass*
-Intellectual*someone I can learn from and gel with*
-Enjoys ALL music
-Affectionate
-Is willing to get to know and understand me
-NOTHING LIKE MY FATHER
-Know God and is willing to fully get to know him when the time is right
-Great sense of humor
-Can hold a conversation
-Goal orientated
-Romantic
-Demands respect in that sexy ass Common way *that man is the definition of sexy to me*
-Non-homophobic *knows his manhood*
*I don't think I'm asking for too much..these things I didnt think of at the age of 18 when I got with my kids dad..I'm expanding my mind set and getting intouch with what I deserve*

Until next time!

Wasn't Really Love/My Mom My Mentor

2007-09-28T09:51:00.000-04:00

*Interesting movie I'm watching based on a true story about a woman who has poisioned her husband for insurance money and is now poisioning her teenaged daughter for her insurance money,she basically cons every person she comes in contact w/. She married a man in Fl,told him she had an incurable blood disease and had to go to a medical center in TX,she leaves,calls him herself pretending to be a twin and says her "sister" is dead! Would you believe she returned to him as her "twin sister"? And fools this damn obviously gullible guy ...carzy crazy lady*

Anyway,I feel liberated because I finally told my kids father how I truly felt,after him begging me to talk to him and whatnot,but I finally got it out. Of course it lead right back to him being his disrespectful self but what else was I expecting? For him to actually be open to what I had to say? Would you believe he had the nerve to say to me the reason why,when me and his son had no money for food, the reason he didn't give me any money or see about us was because I had too much pride?! That was the straw that broke the camels back! You mean to tell me my pride is more important to you than your sons growling stomache? Get the F outta here! He just made it easier to move on. So of course I'm a "dumb ass bitch" because I told him everything he didn't want hear. So! Needless to say that my relationship w/ the worse person I could've linked myself to is over! I can thank him for one thing though, MY BOYS!! These are the things that happen when you are truly fed up, a place I figured I'd get to just not this soon. I always had this feeling that he was addicted to my sex and I was to his. I mean sexually, we were insync everything was on point. I knew for a fact I had him wrapped as far as sex goes,but communication? That was so far off it aint even funny. I don't think he knows me nor understands me,I think he has it in his head I'm "sadity" becuase I want a house of my own a nice car and I want my kids in private school. What's wrong with wanting what I didn't have because my mother had to work her ass off 2 jobs to fend for me and my brother?! I'm going to school next year and I will have a full on career by the age of 30, I'm 23 on the 5th of October. Believe you me, I'm not going to wait, I'll do while my kids are young. Guess it wasn't really love.

I'm glad and so thankful to have the foundation that I have. My mom is my strength,she's an amazing woman in my eyes. The older I get the more I'm like her and I'm loving it. I handled Shamarr Sr in a manner I wouldn't have 1 yr ago, I would've been in Ct (of course) bashing in every part of his car and at his head with some kind of weapon. But now that I realize that is not the example I want to set for my babies, I won't act that way. My kids mean so much to me and I'm glad to have that in me because if I didn't mean what I do to my mom I'd probably be a whole different type of person.

Something I've always respected my mother for was that she had her pursuers but she NEVER brought them around myself and my brother. She handled herself so ladylike, she never had us around different men and whatnot. I think its because of all the kinds of abuse that happens when you let a foriegn man around your children. My mother would've literally committed a murder! No lie! I just hope to progress and be more like my mother, we came out pretty good and want the same for my kids. As for now, I have 2 boyfriends Shamarr Jr and Braylon
Peace Until Lata!

Random

2007-09-27T15:22:00.000-04:00

So much is going on in my head I don't know where to begin. I guess I'll start with the random. I had a blog but for reason it won't let me get to it and pick up where I left off..SO..I had to begin anew. Can't say that's a bad thing my mind has so much in it I guess starting over won't be so bad.

Anyhoo....I finally made my "big" move to the Peach State known as Georgia. So far I'm just trying to get what I need done and then I'd consider myself officially settled. I wouldn't consider myself settled at the moment because I'm staying at my aunts house...and for those who have ever had to live with other people for even a split second..no matter what they say to make you feel comfortable..you're just not comfortable because you're not "home",ya know? But you gotta crawl before you walk,so I'm taking it for what it is and I realize I'm not going to be here for the remainder of my time in Ga so why stress?

Other things. I'm now preggers again,6 mths to be exact,at first I wasn't so excited because I just lost 50lbs and that was MAJOR to me. But for some reason,I'd call it maternal instinct,I'm good now and ready to meet my new baby boy and once again strive to do my best for both my boys. I feel really good saying that "my boys", boys are always good to there moms and something about that warms my heart. His name will be Braylon James a wonderful addition to myself and his big bro Shamarr Marquise. We are very excited.

As for their dad,I don't like to talk bad about him because in my eyes he's just a lost soul. I feel like we are from 2 different worlds and he's stuck in his and I'm trying to positively magnify mine and do what I have to for our children. Needless to say he is still in Ct and doing nothing but playing games as far as I go. You'd think a guy who was denied by his father most of his life he'd be on the first thing smoking to his kids so they don't feel any form of neglect and whatnot. But no, I got the guy that is so jacked as far as his thoughts go that I have to pick up the slack. Tell me if this makes ANY sense? The plan was I leave,he stays to get up enough money so he wouldn't be broke living in another state,I find a place,he send me the deniro for it,I get settled w/ Lil Mar,Dec he comes and life should be halfway grand.I find a place I like... he completely renigs on his part by holding the money against me for a week,then making stupid ass phone calls about how he's not coming at all and blah blah blah. So I say screw him and I cut him out of the plan and get the money another way and looong behold he sends the money to me!?!? I can't do this to my kids!! A confused father?! That's not fair to them or my sanity! My kids are number 1!! I'm a frigging M.I.L.F ok?! Being with him isn't important to me,himbeing there for his kids is my concern. But I can't keep going back and forth with him,why would you want to stress your 6mtd pregger kids mom out like that? He's immature and I don't have time for it. So poo to him and how lost he is...oh he has no place to live in Ct so why would he give me a hard time? Stupidity!!